I don't want to

I've been followed by my personal little black cloud the past few days. Watching all the comments of FB about everyone getting ready for Easter and blah blah blah has turned this holiday into another one I want to avoid. I'm cynical today.

This morning I foolishly agreed to help my mom watch my niece and nephew. My BIL has H1N1 so my sister has been camped out at mom's house all week. I had to be there at 8:30 so that mom could run to the office to write a contract for a buyer. I swear my phone rings at 8:35 and it's my BIL.

BIL - "Hey, what are you doing?"
Me - "Holding your son."
BIL - "Oh...ah....my mom wants to keep (the niece) today so the girls can play. My brother is on the way over there right now."
Me - "She is still asleep."
BIL - "Can't you wake her up?"
Me - "Fine."

Ten minutes later I have the niece awake, dressed and loaded in the car. I'm watching his brother leave when my phone rings again.
BIL - "Uh.. mom wants both of them."
Me - "You're brother just left. Might want to call him back"

Ten more minutes he is changed, packed and loaded in the car. Here it is 9:00am and I have no kids to watch. To the grocery store....

All day I've been thinking about Cooper. We stopped by his grave on our way out and I hadn't been in forever. The bluebonnets are growing, but only a few have bloomed. We went on a drive to the country to plant flowers on Cooper's girlfried-in-heaven's grave. (Yes, Jen and I joke like that. We are sick and twisted and have our own kind of dead baby momma humor. She's my Yang, I'm her Grey.) Her parents are out of the state right now and very sad that they couldn't do anything for Easter this year. We drove an hour one-way to plant her flowers. We actually really cleaned up her grave too.

Two graves...Two babies lost to PE. Two kiddos that should be here coloring eggs and having Easter outfits. Two mom's wondering what could have been. Does it ever get easier? The wondering what could have been?

I'm rambling and my thoughts are all over tonight. While at Cooper's grave today, Tim and I discussed needing to get a headstone finally for him. Something real, not just the little plaque the funeral home put there. We also talked about getting the plots right next to my parents. I know that one day I will see him again and get to hold him and love on him as much as I want. Somedays, I want that day to be today. I easily can get a "beam me up Scotty" attitude. Somedays, holding on to that promise isn't enough. Today is one of those days.