tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56877082157997407742024-03-05T15:26:13.761-06:00Cooper's WoodsThe Story of Building Cooper's LegacyNicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.comBlogger92125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-90615642231559346552014-09-06T06:59:00.001-05:002014-09-06T06:59:39.381-05:009 weeks and 3 days<p dir="ltr">Sorry I haven't update in the past couple of weeks! I have been fighting around the clock nausea that has kept me from sleeping and generally feeling like crap. So I didn't want to be total whiner!</p>
<p dir="ltr">We had our first ob appt a week ago and she is very positive. We have a plan in place and I feel very confident. As soon as my BP starts to rise, I will be ok meds which I am ok with. She also wrote me some Zofran which has helped so much. I made it a week without vomiting but the streak ended yesterday. I also did a baseline 24 hr urine this week to get a starting point. At the end of the appt she handed me her cell phone number and that added another layer of assurance.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Next week I will be traveling to Minneapolis for the annual Saving Grace event. It is our girls weekend where all our preeclampsia sisters get to see each other again. It is where the start of some great friendships have begun and I look forward to seeing everyone. We are a little like a soriety in that aspect.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Still haven't told my mom...we will see how long this goes.</p>
Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-11986751336925244382014-08-19T20:38:00.001-05:002014-08-20T20:51:13.598-05:007 weeks<p dir="ltr">7 weeks today!  </p>
<p dir="ltr">I think today shaved 5 years off my life. I woke up the morning and got started with  my normal routine.  Then I went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding. Not spotting, bleeding.  I called the re office and they put me to the nurses voicemail.  Then I called dh and barely held it together.  He told me just to get in the  car and head to the dr office and he would meet me there since its an hour from our house.  On the way there all that is going through my head is this is another  miscarriag.  How many eggs do I have left frozen? When can we try again?  I was convinced. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I called again when I was about  minutes away and they said they would work me in  for a sono.  I am prepared for the worst and dh is telling me how we will get through it whatever happens.  Dr. H comes in and starts the sono immediately pointing out a heartbeat. Wait.. a what?  Yep, a heart beat at 142. He said everything looked good and he didn't see any clots. So I took off the rest of the day and laid in the recliner. We still have an appt on Monday.</p>
<p dir="ltr">This past week I made my first ob appointment.  I had to get a little pushy with the girl at the front desk because their policy is for the first ob appointment to be with a midwife.  I was adamant and got my way.  So next week we have a sono on Monday and an ob appointment on Friday. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Still exhausted and morning sickness this time is totally different.   Last time it was morning, noon and night sickness where I was vomiting around the clock until 6 months.  This time, I have not thrown up but have had to force myself to eat. Everything seems disgusting.  It is like a smell gets stuck in my nose and I can't get rid of it.  Preggy pops and ginger snaps have been  my best friend.</p>
<p dir="ltr">My poor husband is trying, bless his heart.  Yesterday he made me scrambled eggs.  I ran out of the kitchen from the smell and ended up feeding them too the dog.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Still haven't told my mom...</p>
Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-37014565526421987042014-08-13T17:42:00.001-05:002014-08-13T17:42:13.238-05:006 weeks and counting!Still preggo! Still going!<br />
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We had our first sonogram on Monday at 5w5d to see how many buns are in the oven. Only one - whew!!<br />
DH was disappointed because he wanted twins. Having twins would be cool, but a twin pregnancy terrifies me. <shudder> </shudder><br />
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I go back in 2 weeks for another sono where we will get to see the heart beat. <br />
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How many of you that have had losses in your past and THEN dealt with infertility had anxiety about telling people? I have this monster anxiety about telling my mom. Mostly because she is nosy, has not regards to my privacy, can't keep a story straight and has a blabber mouth. I have anxiety about keeping it from her, but I know if I told her now then I would have anxiety about her running her mouth all over town. We live in a small town with only about 5,000. The last thing I want right now is to end up on her church's prayer list AKA gossip express.<br />
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Still not sure what to do on that front... Guess we shall see what happens!Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-36151845022432774192014-08-06T19:22:00.001-05:002014-08-06T19:25:01.590-05:00I am...... in shock.<br />
... scared to say the words out loud.<br />
... pregnant!<br />
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On July 21, we did a frozen embryo transfer with these two 5 day blasts.<br />
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About a week after the transfer, I just had this feeling that it worked. I couldn't bring myself to say the words "I am pregnant" out loud. While lying in bed one night, I told DH "I think it worked." The pure and utter exhaustion. Needing to take several hour naps every day. Even after getting 10+ hours of sleep. </div>
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Last Thursday, I went for my first beta. After 26 hours of agony waiting for a call and a very bitchy me, the clinic finally called with positive result. <br />
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I cried.<br />
I laughed.<br />
I paced.<br />
I prayed.<br />
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The next morning, I went back for my second beta on a Saturday. After the long wait for the first results, I was ready for another lengthy wait. Monday evening, after a very long work day while getting lectured by my boss, I had another call coming through. The clinic. After hours. CRAP! I couldn't get to it fast enough and they didn't leave a message. My evening was ruined.<br />
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I worried.<br />
I chewed my nails.<br />
I paced.<br />
I prayed.<br />
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Why would they call after hours and leave no message? The last time I got a call from the clinic after hours was when the Dr called me to discussed the failed IVF cycle. The next morning, I called the clinic at 8:05am. Guess what?!?! My numbers went up! No bad news and I worried about nothing.<br />
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I have my first sonogram scheduled for this coming Monday. If the internet calculators are correct, that would make me 5 weeks officially today! <br />
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Managing not to freak out too much and keep a positive outlook.<br />
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We have not told our family yet and not sure when we will. We haven't discussed that far ahead yet. Just taking it day by day right now and keeping it quiet.<br />
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I am grateful.<br />
I am still scared to say the words.<br />
I am pregnant!<br />
I trust you to keep a secret!<br />
<br />Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-90909537315512622652014-06-25T21:05:00.000-05:002014-06-25T21:05:00.151-05:00Finding BalanceI have had the pleasure of meeting some pretty incredible women through the Preeclampsia Foundation. This powerful woman I met through work. She actually used to be a customer, an assistant manager at a big corporate powerhouse. About a year ago, she left her position for a new company. Man do I miss her!<br />
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In that time since leaving, she has started her own blog to chronicle her journey to betterment - <a href="http://sett.com/zenwednesday" target="_blank">Zen Wednesday</a>. Finding the balance between life and work and everything in between. I treasure getting her newest installments delivered to my inbox every Wednesday. They have prompted many discussions with people in several different circles of my life. I talk about her blog all the time!<br />
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In a world bogged down with negativity and stress, her Friday posts "Favorite Fridays" have brought a smile to my face and make me pause to reflect. Like in the book, "Slammed" by Colleen Hoover, it reminds me of the sweet and suck of the day. I have even started the sweet and suck with one of my friends. When the day seems to have run off the rails, I will say, "What is your sweet for the day? Find something positive!"<br />
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So what is your sweet today? What is your suck? Go check out a new blog and reflect.<br />
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<br />Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-47188952870157162882014-06-23T20:48:00.000-05:002014-06-23T20:48:21.812-05:00Forward Progress!Today, I had my baseline sonogram for a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). This whole cycle just seems alot less. Less appointments, less shots, less blood draws, less stress and less money. <br />
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Honestly, it feels weird not driving in three times a week for blood draws and sonograms. Not that I am complaining. Is it amazing to believe that I don't have to go back for 2 whole weeks?!?! When I go back, we are checking the progress of the thickness of the lining. If it looks good, then we will do the schedule 6 days later. <br />
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So for now, it's estrogen patches and pills for two weeks. I go back on July 7th for a progress check!Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-87759436285792965442014-05-29T19:54:00.000-05:002014-05-29T19:54:10.675-05:00Ready to Start AgainHmm... where have I been so far in 2014?!?!<br />
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January - Started off the year with the flu. Oh yes, Merry Christmas to me! After I recovered from that, the plan was in place. With determination, I started working on loosing the 25lbs I had gained during the last six months of 2013 while doing fertility treatments. My goal was to have this off by March 1. Laser like focus!<br />
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February - Kept on loosing weight and had a business trip to LA the last weekend of the month that I knew was going to set me back several pounds.<br />
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March - Happy Birth-Month to ME!!! My splurging with my trip to LA continued and then extended all through March. Surprisingly, I ended March only 3 lbs shy of my goal. Plus, I completed part of my New Year's resolution to just say "NO". NO, I will not be president any more of the Lady Elks. Look at me - Not in charge!<br />
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April - My coworker got married and was out for 2 weeks. The stress and sheer amount of work I had to cover dropped those last 3 lbs.<br />
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May - Preeclampsia Awareness Month and full out month of craziness. But oh so worth it! The Oklahoma City walk was amazing and pulled out with a strong finish. Then up was the Dallas Promise Walk. I really can't put into words how amazing the walk was the year. We surpassed any and all expectations that I have ever had. Our goal was $15,000 and right now we are almost at $24,000. We will meet it before all is said and done. So close!!! Pics below are from the OKC walk. My butterfly didn't want to fly away and I got to hang out with old friends.<br />
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The end of May is near so of course I have to start a new adventure! Today, I made an FET consult appointment with my RE for Monday. Somehow, I have managed to keep the weight off. Even when I was sure that it had to be creeping back on, it hasn't. <br />
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Excited. Scared. Afraid to hope. We shall see what this next step brings!Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-80080301896676624922014-02-16T15:42:00.002-06:002014-02-16T15:42:51.770-06:00JealousToday started off as a great day. I went to church with my husband and had a wonderful lunch with our pastor and friends. As I am pulling out of the parking lot, my phone rings and I see it is a call from my friend in San Diego. Seeing her number on the caller ID is typically a rare thing since we "talk" so much online. Seeing it on a Sunday, I knew it wasn't going to be good news. She shared with me that a great man was lost today. Too suddenly from a heart attack. A family grieves again for another loss in a long line of losses. I think that how can one family be put through so much devastation? My heart pours out for them and I am numb at the possibility that the last time my family whom I consider professional grievers has suffered such a loss. It's been 8 years since Cooper died and since we were on a steady schedule of loosing someone every 3-4 years, I have had this nagging in my gut that we are over due. Pretty sad way to think, huh?<br />
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I walk inside and try to read the book I am currently on (Brutally Beautiful), but my mine is all on this news, on the Warner family. John Warner has been a leader and visionary in the quest to bring awareness to preeclampsia. In 2010, I had the honor of meeting this legend in our group of volunteers and their name is spoken with awe. "The Warners" are revered for their unwavering focus on the horrors of this disease. See John and Brenda Warner lost their adult daughter, Shelly, to preeclampsia. I would consider John to be the "father" of the Promise Walks since his walk in Quad Cities, IA is one of the original walks back we were just the Walk-A-Thons. In October last year, John and Brenda chaired Saving Grace which is a huge night of fundraising and awareness for the Preeclampsia Foundation. They let us into their lives a little more that night and I had the pleasure of meeting their other daughter Kim. It was a highly emotional evening with all thoughts of Shelly and the reason that brought all of us together. The progress of research and funding that has been made in her honor is indescribable. Her legacy has been established and she will never be forgotten. Ever.<br />
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I tell my husband about the phone call and say, "At least he is with Shelly now." That small comment that was made under my breath hasn't left me yet. I am jealous. Jealous of a father now reunited with his daughter. There are times with my soul yearns for the day that I will be reunited with Cooper. <br />
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Yesterday, I got to love on an 11-month old little boy in the foster system. He was squishy and smiling at me. No longer are my arms used to holding little ones and just carrying my laptop to my room to type this, I felt that soreness in my arms. I thought I would get my fix, but like a junkie my arms just now feel empty again. I want that soreness to be from holding my own child and I wonder if that day will ever come. Today doubt crept in. I have been so positive lately. Loosing the weight I have gained from all the meds from the past 6 months. Working on a goal that I have so firmly in my sights. Hope can be a very dangerous thing I have learned and it can gut you. I just hope that vision I have in my dreams doesn't destroy me. I see my husband with other people's children and I can see what an amazing father he would be. We have joked in the past about how our child wouldn't learn to walk until they were 3 years old because they would never be put down. I can totally see a battle too on who would get to cuddle and love such a blessing. Some days I think that I want to make my husband a father more than anything. <br />
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I read a heartbreaking and bonding book about a month ago and highlighted so many sections. From the first chapter, I knew this book was going to speak to my heart and tear at my soul. Below are some quotes from "Arsen" by Mia Asher.<br />
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Even when the horizon seems to be bleak and full of pain, we must learn to fight and preserver because the rewards of those tears of struggle mean that you get to live your life once more.</blockquote>
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Miracles are the consequences of daring to believe.</blockquote>
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Well I am scared to believe, scared to hope and jealous of reunions.<br />
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I leave you with Shelly's Legacy as told by the late John Warner.<br />
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Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-23564013015320913692013-12-04T12:00:00.000-06:002013-12-04T12:00:02.812-06:00What I am Reading Wednesday: The Rebel SeriesI have never laughed so hard at a book as I have at this series. In fact, I went out and bought pretty much all of her books. Double in fact, I am afraid to read these in bed that my laughter is shaking the bed and keeping Tim awake.<br />
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Elle Casey and her "The Rebel Series" is hilarious with such sarcastic sayings as: double boob punch; Down, hoochie down; cat turd licker; only assholes start fires; DJ Twatbreath; I got my butt lifters on; Twatmonter; cooter-breath and junk. I have laughed until I almost cried. Book number two just came out on November 30 with the final book due out at the end of December. Check them out and let me know your favorite sayings!Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-80254073384808441892013-12-03T18:57:00.002-06:002013-12-03T18:57:30.546-06:00It is dangerous to hopeHope can be a wonderful thing or a nightmare. You would think with all the shit life has thrown at me, that I would get used to hope being a nightmare. But no... The only silver lining I have right now, is that I wasn't so off in lala land of dreams that my world came crashing down. My beta came back negative the day before Thanksgiving. Of course the nurse called at the exact same moment I was getting out of my car at my aunt's house. I had no time to react and had to put on my happy face immediately. Thus causing me to tell DH about it via text which now that I look back at is rather shitty.<br />
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Later in the afternoon, the dr called me to discuss which really meant alot. He said to rest and relax and come back when we are ready. He is still really positive and we were able to freeze 5 embryos too.<br />
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I came home from Thanksgiving and got really really drunk Friday night with my dear friend. Like room spinning, can't feel my legs. It was glorious at the time until I was hung over for two days. I am getting too old for this shit...<br />
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You know the saying what goes up must come down? I think that I didn't get so high as to be hitting bottom right now. I just had a feeling in my gut that it wasn't going to be positive. Or maybe that was just me protecting my heart. All I wanted was for something positive to look forward to in December instead of dread. Give it another couple of weeks and my black cloud will be following me I am sure.<br />
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This year for Cooper's birthday, I am going to do a photo challenge. If you see any signs with "Cooper" in them, take a pic and send it to me. I've got a few places that I am going to have to hit up around here. And anyone that lives in Loganville, GA...there is an entire neighborhood of Cooper streets. Even a Cooper Woods! Email them to me at cooperswoods@gmail.com.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-24238527501860588682013-11-20T23:05:00.000-06:002013-11-20T23:05:26.155-06:00What was I thinking?It is one of those nights where I am so tired that I can't function. Of course I decided it was time to write a blog! Hope this makes an inkling of sense.<br />
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Today I am 2 days past embryo transfer (2dp5dt). Yep, we retrieved 12 eggs last Wednesday and transferred two embryos on Monday (pic below). We changed up the protocol this cycle to Lupron based and it worked amazingly. The goal initially was to overstimulate, freeze and transfer later. But I was right on the money so we transferred this cycle. Which in my mind I had that we wouldn't transfer until January or February, so this is a plus. The lab also called me today and told me of the 8 embryos that were left, they were able to freeze 5.<br />
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Technically, I am pregnant until proven otherwise. Technically, I am freaking the fuck out. I know it's just the lack of sleep (woke up at 4:45 this morning for no good reason) that is causing this panic attack. You know when you get told not to do something and you do it anyway? Yep, stress free and calm environment self destructed. I was lying in bed, begging myself to go to sleep. Watching a lame show on netflix. Nope. Putting lavender eye mask on with my kick ass spa music pandora station (See Peter Kater). Nope. Mind is whirling away. So I decided to put my thoughts out there. Maybe this will work!<br />
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Further good news is that I am off all of next week, so I just need to make it through two more days and too many projects at work that need to ship before then. Bad news, I have a ton of projects due by the end of the week that are dragging and I am going to have to raise hell tomorrow to get them done. Printing? We don't need no stinking printing!<br />
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I go in Wednesday next week for my first beta. Then get to drive to my aunt's for Thanksgiving where I have to figure out how to fake that I am not drinking. What are your suggestions??? It makes me nervous. I am also nervous that they will call me with the first beta results on Wednesday and I will either be glowing and family will figure it out. Or I will be a basket case and family will figure it out. TOO MUCH PRESSURE. <br />
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Let's see what else am I freaking out about? The fact that all these hormones have given me the worst hot flashes. The anxiety has raised my BP. Working from home. The dessert auction this week at the Elks Lodge. Hiding that I am not supposed to be lifting more than 5 lbs for the next two weeks. Hiding that I've got creams, pills and patches that will have to travel with me next week. Sick and tired of lying to people too!<br />
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I just need someone to tell me to chill out and it will all be fine. That trying to get pregnant wasn't a huge mistake that will end like it did before. That we will finally have something positive to look forward to in December. That printing isn't the end of the world. That. Everything. Will. Be. FINE! I'm not asking too much, am I?<br />
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<br />Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-63263749932914146262013-09-06T00:00:00.000-05:002013-09-06T00:00:05.660-05:00My new hutch<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Ohh, I bought this lovely this past weekend. It is painted an olive green and washed with black, but I will be changing that up sometime in the future. Sure hope my very talented friend at <a href="http://www.thepauperscastle.com/">http://www.thepauperscastle.com/</a> will give me some pointers! It is 4 ft wide and 6 feet high, made of pine. The top comes off so it's two pieces and easy to move.</div>
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My thought process of buying this was that it would be super cute in a nursery with wicker baskets of baby paraphernalia in it. Currently, it is in my guest room/office taking up the majority of a wall. Either way, I got a deal and I really like it. Dear Husband has either no observation skills (possible) or just doesn't care (also possible) because he hasn't said a word. </div>
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Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-77757489762689635462013-09-04T22:46:00.003-05:002013-09-04T22:58:49.232-05:00What I am Reading: OutlanderCurrently on Book #4 of the Outlander Series: Drums of Autumn. If you haven't read this series by <a href="http://www.dianagabaldon.com/books/outlander-series/" target="_blank">Diana Gabaldon</a>, you are missing out. However, I must warn you that these books are not for the faint of heart. Each book is approximately 1,000 pages of pure Scottish emotion. <br />
<br />
This is my second time to read this series and the next installment #8 is due out in March 25, 2014. The count down is on! While I love to read about Jamie and Claire, this has slowed down my addiction to reading. I've only bought one book in the past month (come on - it was a Rock Chick's book) and I won't let myself read it until I'm done with the series. Since starting the series on July 29, I have gotten through 3193 pages. That's only 260 pages into the 4th book! So I am saving money because I already had all these books that I had bought previously and I'm not spending $25-50 a week on reading material. Ok, sometimes it is not all that bad. I do try to only buy books that are on sales and when I am in buying mode, I make sure to check out <a href="http://www.maryse.net/">www.maryse.net</a> to find the latest deals. I told you it is an addiction. Anyone that really loves me and knows me, buys me Amazon gift cards. <br />
<br />
Back to the book and a spoiler alert. I am feeling like I am in a slow point, even though I know I'm not. It's because I know that soon Brianna will be coming through the stones and I can't wait for that. In the mean time, Jamie and Claire have a fair amount of time to spend at River Run. <br />
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End of spoiler alert. This series is not your typical romance series. The actual genre for this series is well... a little hard to pin point. It's historical. It's romance. It's sci-fy? Futuristic? TIME Traveling-that's it. In the very beginning we meet Jamie and Claire the two main characters. This is the story of their life together. Most romance books end with the couple together, this one begins that way and their lives are full of turmoil and adventure. If you can handle long books, I highly recommend this series. They are worth the investment of time and money. <br />
<br />
PS... I can't wait for the TV series to come out on Starz and then eventually on Netflix (we don't have cable) so I can watch it. I hope it's better than watching Twilight! Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-47321839017810830462013-08-22T00:00:00.000-05:002013-08-22T00:00:05.637-05:00It's just ink on paperSince I have decided that I need to vent a little more on my blog, I have been over hauling it and looking back on old posts to see where my life was back then. Funny that some problem from 4 years ago that seemed like it was the end of the world...I couldn't even tell you which customer I referred to as Satan's Retarded Stepsister let alone what project they hated. Hmm.... It is all just ink on paper and not the end of the world. Don't take work so seriously and enjoy life! You would think that I have has this lesson pounded into my head enough, but apparently I need a reminder. And often!<br />
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It is interesting looking back. I don't know if I will ever really make my blog public knowledge. Then again some day I might want to be like Boo-ya Bitches to the people I know in real life. If you actually know me in real life and I shared my blog with you, feel honored. You are in the circle of trust. My circle of trust is very small. Bless my mom's heart, but she is nosey. Nosey! I don't want her in all my business making more ill-placed comments that I have to brush off. I also don't want to end up on her Sunday School's prayer list aka gossip circle. I could probably use the extra prayers, but don't want to be whispered about. The emotional ups and downs, the strain on our marriage, the amount of money we are spending and what we are spending it on, the pure heartfelt honesty that I pour out here is not for the entire town to know. One of the disadvantages of living in a small town of only 5,000. So aside from you, there are 7 people in my life that know what we are going through right now. That's probably why I need to start blogging again!<br />
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<br />Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-48157145381974737392013-08-21T18:24:00.000-05:002013-08-22T12:41:47.766-05:00The Emotional Roller Coaster of TTCHormones make me crazy. My husband describes it like my body is not used to normal hormone levels, so when they get to normal levels I act like an emotional girl. I have the emotions of a man and my boss loves it. So when you amp up my hormones to mega levels I turn into a demon possessed bru-ha-ha. I am primed and ready to go off at a moments notice. <br />
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Oh, in the middle of all this emotionally charged treatment we had to put our beloved lab down on 7/25. I cried and cried and cried. And then cried some more.<br />
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I am trying to look at something positive and look towards the future. We are going to get pregnant. My RE is confident and I am holding him to it. Somewhere in here I make the rookie mistake of dreaming again. What the heck was I thinking? I am day dreaming about guest lists to baby showers, looking up when my due date would be, how we are going to tell our family, checking out Craigslist for twin stuff (you know just in case). Yep, I am in deep. Way too deep.<br />
<br />
So when I have the first appointment when the RE says cancel, I lost it. Meltdown. Hysterics. Lost. IT. My husband's office isn't very far from the RE's office so I go over there to get a hug. Out in the parking lot I am crying so hard I can't catch my breath. He just holds me until I calm down and tells me to take off the rest of the day and go home. Gladly! My hysterics were so bad that I had to pull over twice on the way home to collect myself enough to drive. All I can think of is this is it. It will never happen. My body sucks. My husband might as well leave me know and save us all the extra heartache of dragging it out. He should find someone that can give him what he wants. Give him a child without all the drama.<br />
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I warned you, I lost it. Believe me know?<br />
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Finally I get home and I am exhausted. I lay down in bed and pull my head out of my ass. So by Wednesday when I go back to the RE, I am mentally prepared for bad news. I expect it and it doesn't rock my world. Yeah, an IUI COULD work, but we are talking about me. I have 5 IUI's under my belt and none have worked. <br />
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There is something about the volume of drugs in my system that makes this ovulating process painful as FUCK. Excuse me. I spent the entire weekend after curled in a ball on my couch hugging a heating pad and popping hydrocodone. Another full week of feeling that the worst cramps in my life. And talk about feeling bloated. Ug, I just feel gross. Fat and gross. Just don't talk to me.<br />
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Finally... Finally the cramps stop and I am starting to feel a little human again. The countdown has begun to when I can take the home pregnancy test... but we don't get that far.<br />
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Nope, I started 5 days before I am supposed to take the pregnancy test and 10 days post IUI. <br />
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<br />Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-31062618821293790922013-08-20T18:02:00.000-05:002013-08-21T20:10:48.726-05:00All inSo my consult with the RE went really well. We already know that I have PCOS and suspected issues with my left ovary. We both go through all of the blood work and tests and get green lights all around to move forward with IVF. My AMH level is 7.2 which is pretty darn high and the RE starts me on a Antagonist protocol being very careful not to overstimulate. I start stimming on 7/27 on Follistem 125 which is a baby dose.<br />
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7/27 - Follistem 125<br />
7/28 - Follistem 125<br />
7/29 - Follistem 150 and feather it<br />
Dr appt, E2=75: Where o where is my left ovary hiding? <br />
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7/30 - Follistem 125<br />
7/31 - Follistem 150<br />
8/1 - Follistem 175<br />
Dr Appt, E2=140: Left ovary is still MIA and I am looking like a junking from all the blood draws.<br />
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8/2 - Follistem 175<br />
8/3 - Follistem 225, Start Cetrotide, target retrieval date of 8/10<br />
Dr Appt: 2 nice follies on the right, 3 possible on the left. Left is getting heavier and coming into view. RE is hoping to pump it up and get it into range to retrieve.<br />
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8/4 - Follistem 225, Cetrotide<br />
8/5 - Follistem 225, Cetrotide, Menopur<br />
Dr Appt: Not enough progress on the follies on the right but left is in view now. RE is hesitant and says we should cancel this cycle. WTH? How did we go from a retrieval date to two days later cancelling? He says that he was cautious with me and instead of over stimulating has under stimulated. Something changes his mind and he says lets give it until Wednesday and then decide.<br />
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It takes every last ounce of control I have to make it out of that office and to my car without losing my shit. And then I lost it. Lost. My. Shit. Like hysterical in my husband's parking lot sobbing about what the RE said today. More on the emotional roller coaster later...<br />
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8/6 - Follistem 225, Cetrotide, Menopur<br />
8/7 - Menopur<br />
Dr Appt: RE reviews my surgery report from 2009 on what is the deal with my left ovary. My small intestine is wrapped around it like a mink stole. It is too risky to try and retrieve from that side and could most likely end in a perforated bowel. I like my bowels the way they are thank you! Again, the RE says cancel. With only 2 follies on the right side, we don't have enough to continue with IVF. After a moment, he says how about we convert to IUI since you do have the two nice on the right? It might work, why not.<br />
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8/8 - HCG Trigger<br />
8/9 - IUI<br />
By the way, the IF problems are allllll me. My husband has super sperm and has started to refer to himself as "Testicules" like Hercules but, yeah you get the drift... Yes, his lab report from the IUI is hanging on the fridge displayed like a proud report card.<br />
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<br />Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-69164488123027648892013-08-19T17:40:00.000-05:002013-08-21T20:10:48.733-05:00Back to venting, ranting, talking to myself...It is amazing the amount of self talk that you have going through your head with trying to conceive. Or maybe it's me and the fact that I feel there is so much at stake. One miscarriage, one still birth, 2.5 years of previously TTC and now 9 months this time TTC. There are only a handful of people that I know in real life that are in the circle of trust about us trying again. I love my friends to pieces, but none of them have been in my shoes. There are some that have had the crazy traumatic preeclampsia pregnancies so they get that part, but not the rest. Not the losing a child. Not the losing a dream. Not the strangle on your marriage. I feel like I am drowning them in my empty uterus drama and so I am picking up my blog again. <br />
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What has brought us to this point you ask? Let's back up almost a year ago...<br />
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In October last year, I was awarded with volunteer of the year for a non-profit group that I spend entirely too much time volunteering for. Then again, I have no kids at home to take care of, play with or raise so I spend time volunteering. It is beyond drinking the koolaid and moved into swimming in the koolaid. <br />
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Part of winning this award, included a trip for the annual fundraiser gala that my volunteer sisters meet up at every year. We decided to hang for a few more days since we live all over the country and only see each other at this event every year. One evening while sitting a neighborhood bar with B and her husband, we are talking about kids. B had a crazy pregnancy herself ending with code blue seizures and has a healthy 8 year old son. Her husband asks me if we would try again. I tell him that I see my husband interact with other kids and I know he would make a great dad. I want to give that to him but I am terrified. <br />
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See my marriage has gone through the wringer. We have to really work at communication because when we get mad, we don't yell or argue. We shut up and build walls. So while I am having this conversation several hundred miles from home, my husband is having the same one with our friends unbeknownst to me.<br />
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Fast forward another month and we have been kicking around the idea of buying a new house. Back and forth because we are really comfortable with our payments and living debt free except for our mortgage. Yes, my house drives me crazy on a daily basis but my payments are ridiculously low. One Friday night, while sitting around a bonfire enjoying some beverages and the stars my husband pops off. "I would rather have a kid than have a new house." Oh really.... I know there was a stupid grin on my face and a little tear in my eye. I still want to give that to him but have honestly been a chicken shit to bring it up. Now that the top is off, it's not going back on. For some insane reason or maybe just to ease into things, I want to see if my body will actually function like it should and decide to try naturally for 6 months. After 6 months, I will call the RE.<br />
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1 month... nothing<br />
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2 months.... nothing<br />
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3 months... nothing<br />
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4 months.... nothing<br />
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5 months... nothing<br />
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Called the RE's office and made an appointment for IVF consult. We aren't screwing around this time and are all in.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-32167388939277038462012-10-26T08:00:00.000-05:002012-10-26T08:00:13.634-05:00Happy Anniversary!By the time this post publishes, I will be at the airport heading to Saving Grace - A Night of Hope in Mobile, AL. It's also my 10 year wedding anniversary. Nothing says "I love you," like being several states apart. Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-70751423459936694302012-10-24T02:17:00.002-05:002012-10-24T02:31:48.373-05:002 years, 1 month and 4 daysThat is how long it has been since I posted on my blog. Hmm... Yep, still a slacker!
I am wide awake at 2:00am thinking about working on my blog again. Not sure why, I just feel like I have something to say again.
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What has happened in the past 2 years?
I'm not going to spoil it all in one post, but stretch it out. Here are the highlights:<br />
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Tim lost his job, got a new job. Then got another new job. Amazingly, I'm still employeed at the same place and busier than ever.
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The Rangers didn't even make it to the playoffs this year and broke my heart. Still too soon to talk about it.<br />
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I was on the news twice this past year supporting the Promise Walk!!! <br />
<a href="http://www.nbcdfw.com/on-air/as-seen-on/151638185.html" target="_blank">Channel 5.2 Video</a><br />
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</object><script src="http://www.wfaa.com/templates/belo_embedWrapper.js?storyid=155052675&pos=bottom"></script>Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-61788514598111367692010-09-20T22:37:00.003-05:002010-09-20T23:00:04.228-05:00I'm a slacker of the worst kindI really should blog more. Even though sometimes my thoughts get all jumbled and don't come out right. You still love me! Right? Right???<br /><br />I'm sitting in my office, listening to the neighbor's dogs bark and being annoyed at the stray hair that keeps tickling my ear. I finished reading #10 in the Sookie Stackhouse series tonight. Need a new book/series to read now and I'll be going to the library tomorrow. I have been reading alot lately. ALOT. It's a nice escape from the reality called life. Any suggestions? I've fallen into a paranormal pit lately, but I'm not afraid to crawl out of it.<br /><br />Work is work. It's hanging in there and calming down some. Scratch that, I'm actually bored and trying to convince myself that's ok sometimes. I've been filing and filing because I hate that more than anything. It's been kinda sad. I have one of those giant USPS buckets under my desk where are my samples go. It doubles as a foot rest. After getting a second bucket because the first was overflowing, I realized it was past time to clean it up. I'm almost done but dragging my feet on it. What if I don't have anything to do tomorrow and I only have 50 samples left to file? I'm already a day ahead of my work and this is looking to be a long week.<br /><br />On the health front, I've been working hard to kick my PCOS in the ass in 2010. So far I have lost 45 pounds and I'm half way to my goal. It's starting to inflate my ego because I run into people I haven't seen in a while and they tell my I'm hot. Here is a picture in Feb at my heaviest and one on Labor day. <br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1_GN43b7Y8Ot8FzxCwQ8nW4yGzOATgvU_hMtjp1LupERCD0hIda3IrTGxg22gJLezvb-MCxiDr6XhdljJ-E84BdjL5SvIxQmr-IGCpBCFAQcGTK5MTQNDeMxfK14jo8L_OKoo-sMpCmY/s1600/weight+loss+journey.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 316px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1_GN43b7Y8Ot8FzxCwQ8nW4yGzOATgvU_hMtjp1LupERCD0hIda3IrTGxg22gJLezvb-MCxiDr6XhdljJ-E84BdjL5SvIxQmr-IGCpBCFAQcGTK5MTQNDeMxfK14jo8L_OKoo-sMpCmY/s320/weight+loss+journey.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5519210860599156850" /></a><br /><br />I think that's enough rambling for one night and the dogs aren't barking anymore. Maybe I will fall alseep. Nighty Night YA'LL!Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-55615951312472718512010-02-28T17:31:00.000-06:002010-02-28T17:31:39.923-06:00Think I'm in love with my new cookbookIn January when Tim was working weekends, my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to see her dad for the weekend. What the heck, I have nothing to do, so I went. The drive to Austin in Friday traffic with rain was nothing fun. Thank goodness we left at 3:00, because it still took us 6 hours to get there. Well, we did stop and eat at Cracker Barrel and got lost when we turned the wrong way out of the parking lot... it was a long trip!<br />
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Saturday evening we stay with my aunt and uncle because we had reached our limits with Grandpa's wifie. This is my fav aunt and uncle. This is the uncle that taught be how to can last summer and I always ask him for homecooking recipes. This time I happened to ask about Ice Box Pickles because I have a friend wanting to make some. He pulls out this glorious cookbook his mom (more on her later) had given them for Christmas. Her local parish put out this most amazing book. It's over 3 inches thick in it's own little binder. And it doesn't have just one recipe for say King Ranch. It has like 5 and I love that! <br />
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So I tracked down this cookbook because I had to have a copy. It took about a month of phone tag, mailing a check, but FINALLY I had my own copy.<br />
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Last weekend, I made Mexican Bean Dip and Black Olive Dip for the Elks Casino night. During the week I made Herb and Pecan crusted beef tenderloin (will post pictures later). Tonight it's Creamy Tortilla Soup. And it smells great. I just keep opening it up and looking at all the yummieness. <br />
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*Don't know why I didn't post this earlier*<br />
Back to my uncle's mom. He is my dad's sister's husband. We spend every Thanksgiving at their home with his entire side of the family. They are very large and tight-knit, but welcome us in. When I was in kindergarten, my uncle's dad was killed by a train. They live in a very rural area of south Texas and the tracks cross their drive way. His dad was hard of hearing and had his hearing aids out that day and didn't hear the train coming. <br />
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Two weeks ago, his mom was hit by a train. I don't know all the details of what happened, except that she was in a vehicle and the train hit the opposite side. She was careflighted to Austin some 90 miles away and has been in ICU since. She broke 12 ribs, punctured a lung and had a contusion. Through all this, she has become more and more stable. Critical, but stable. Since being admitted, she had a stroke and then got pneumonia and got a tracheotomy. She’s still in ICU, still on a vent, still critical but stable. <br />
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Please keep this sweet sweet woman and family in your prayers. For healing, God’s wisdom in the decisions that they have to make on a daily basis and peace in the outcome. They have a long road ahead of them.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-26603851901277296692010-02-22T22:44:00.000-06:002010-02-22T22:44:39.371-06:00Hopeful HeartsI went to a new support group/bible study tonight for infertility. Even though I felt like a veteran, it was very good. Not only did I feel the support from a group of people that understood my steps, but I felt... (hard to put in words here) God opening his arms to me. Like welcoming me back to him. So here is to coming home.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-8769171970342394332010-02-20T11:28:00.000-06:002010-02-21T11:49:20.759-06:00A Different RoadMy 10 year high school reunion is in planning stages. They set up a Facebook group and someone through out the question: "Did you think you would be were you're at 10 years ago?"<br />
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Um... no not at all.<br />
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Ten years ago, I was going to be an industrial engineer. I was in love with an amazing man I knew one day I would marry and my dad would be by my side on that day. (That kinda sounds wrong - I did marry that amazing man, but my dad wasn't there) We were going to have 3 kids by the time I was 30 and be done with baby making.<br />
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Yeah, I had a dream alright. And the road continues to change. But I'm thankful for those changes, because it has made me a different person.<br />
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What else in going on in Nicole world?<br />
-A fellow baby loss momma and I started writing a book. It feels good to be working on this project, but it is going to take time. Because I keep getting sidetracked with....<br />
-Preeclampsia Promise Walk. It's is right around the corner and alot of work is underway. Building a group of people that want to make in impact on this disease and what it does to families. Hopefully we will get a area chapter up and rolling.<br />
-Speaking of Preeclampsia and the havoc it causes... Get your thyroid testing PE survivors. After urging and proding from Caryn, I started the process. I'm seeing an internest and not an endo. Why you ask? Because I also have PCOS and I want someone that is going to look at my big picture and not just one little part of the problem. First appointment, she felt a nodule on my thyroid and sent me for an ultrasound. Then I was suppose to get all my bloodwork done on day 19 of my cycle. Since my cycles have a mind of their own and it is very twisted, that hasn't happened. Two weeks after my initial visit, I had the labs drawn anyway. Another 2 weeks for them to come back. They called on Friday and want me to come in to review them. Which will be next Friday. My first appt was on Jan 26 mind you this is not a fast process.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-16117486498447964252010-01-01T14:28:00.004-06:002010-01-01T14:42:24.016-06:00Why didn't anyone tell me there was Twilight #5?I've been working hard on the blog... like the new look and cool stuff?<br />
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One of the cool new gadgets is from Goodreads.com. Thank you Amber and Kristen for telling me about this site. I am always forgetting what books I have read. Usually it hits me about half way through, "Hey, I've read this before." Now I have an online library of the books I've read. Bonus - I can add their cool gadget to my blog. I started off showing what books I'm currently reading, but I'm mostly a one book at a time girl. Unless is a devotional or something along those lines.<br />
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So last night after I got home from NYE and ate too many jello shots, my tummy was trying to stage a coup. What would any normal person do at 1:30 in the morning? Why sign up for goodreads.com, that's what. Silly you! And once I started adding my books, I see Twilight #5 (Midnight Sun). Um..Excuse me. Why hasn't anyone told me about this?<br />
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It is Twilight #1 (Twilight) written from Edward's perspective. It hasn't been published yet, but someone hijacked it and leaked in on the web. Stephanie Meyer isn't exactly happy about this since it is no where near finished. She has however made it available off her website. http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/midnightsun.html<br />
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It is still 264 pages and ends just before their trip to the meadow. Again, what would any <em>normal</em> person do? Stay up and read all of it until 8am on New Year's Day. DUH!<br />
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Obviously, I enjoyed it and can't wait for the rest. Be sure to join goodreads.com and let me know.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5687708215799740774.post-20024014999571558372009-12-31T13:02:00.002-06:002009-12-31T13:24:49.161-06:00Starting off the new year right!I've been cleaning up the blog and adding labels to posts. I use to never label posts because they all had to do with our fertility treatments pretty much. <br /><br />To start off the new year, we are going to a NYE party with some friends. I am going to bring jello shots and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Spinach</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Artichoke</span> Dip. And here are the recipes for you!<br /><br /><strong>Jello Shots - from <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">drinkstreet</span>.com</strong><br />6 oz Jello (large package)<br />16 oz Water (boiling)<br />6 oz Water (cold)<br />10 oz Vodka<br /><br />Mix the jello mix with boiling water until the powder is fully dissolved and add the cold water and alcohol. Pour the cooling mixture into shot glasses or paper cups. <em>I prefer to buy 2 oz plastic cups with lids. That way I can mark what flavor they are and they stack in the fridge. </em><br /><br /><strong>The Art & <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Science</span> of the Jello Shot - still from <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">drinkstreet</span>.com</strong><br />You can make jello shots with almost any type of alcohol, but you should adjust the proportions of alcohol and cold water to ensure that the shot still sets. The higher the proof of the alcohol, the more water that is required for it to set.<br /><br />Proof: 30-50<br />Alcohol: 13 oz<br />Cold Water: 3 oz<br /><br />Proof: 80-100<br />Alcohol: 10 oz<br />Cold Water: 6 oz<br /><br />Proof: 150-200<br />Alcohol: 6 oz<br />Cold Water: 10 oz<br /><br /><strong>My favorite flavors to make:</strong><br />Peach Jello with Peach Schnapps<br />Raspberry Jello with <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Razzmatazz</span><br />Cherry Jello with Vanilla Vodka<br />Strawberry Jello with Malibu Rum<br />Lime Jello with Tequila<br /><br /><strong><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Spinach</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Artichoke</span> Dip:</strong><br />16 oz cream cheese - softened<br />1 pk of Green Giant Frozen Spinach Drained (Don't cheap out, buy Green Giant!)<br />1 jar marinated Artichoke Hearts Drained<br />2 Tablespoons minced garlic<br />3-4 cups <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">shredded</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Mozzarella</span> Cheese<br />Splash of olive oil<br /><br />Preheat oven to 350 degrees.<br />In a small skillet, saute garlic in olive oil until golden brown.<br />In a bowl mix cream cheese, spinach, artichoke hearts, garlic and 2 cups of cheese.<br />Pour mixture into pan. I usually use a pie plate or 9 x 9 <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_10" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Pyrex</span> dish.<br />Top with remaining cheese. Depending on the size of the dish you use you will need more or less cheese.<br />Bake in oven for 30 min or until golden brown on top.<br />Serve while warm.<br /><br />I serve this with wheat thins or <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_11" class="blsp-spelling-error">triscits</span>. Regular tortilla chips aren't hefty enough for it. If you are feeling extra special, you can take a long skinny loaf of Italian bread and make little toast slices.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07175029909022567273noreply@blogger.com1