Cooper's Woods

I'm a slacker of the worst kind

2010-09-20T22:37:00.003-05:00

I really should blog more. Even though sometimes my thoughts get all jumbled and don't come out right. You still love me! Right? Right???

I'm sitting in my office, listening to the neighbor's dogs bark and being annoyed at the stray hair that keeps tickling my ear. I finished reading #10 in the Sookie Stackhouse series tonight. Need a new book/series to read now and I'll be going to the library tomorrow. I have been reading alot lately. ALOT. It's a nice escape from the reality called life. Any suggestions? I've fallen into a paranormal pit lately, but I'm not afraid to crawl out of it.

Work is work. It's hanging in there and calming down some. Scratch that, I'm actually bored and trying to convince myself that's ok sometimes. I've been filing and filing because I hate that more than anything. It's been kinda sad. I have one of those giant USPS buckets under my desk where are my samples go. It doubles as a foot rest. After getting a second bucket because the first was overflowing, I realized it was past time to clean it up. I'm almost done but dragging my feet on it. What if I don't have anything to do tomorrow and I only have 50 samples left to file? I'm already a day ahead of my work and this is looking to be a long week.

On the health front, I've been working hard to kick my PCOS in the ass in 2010. So far I have lost 45 pounds and I'm half way to my goal. It's starting to inflate my ego because I run into people I haven't seen in a while and they tell my I'm hot. Here is a picture in Feb at my heaviest and one on Labor day.

I think that's enough rambling for one night and the dogs aren't barking anymore. Maybe I will fall alseep. Nighty Night YA'LL!

I don't want to

2010-04-03T23:40:00.001-05:00

I've been followed by my personal little black cloud the past few days. Watching all the comments of FB about everyone getting ready for Easter and blah blah blah has turned this holiday into another one I want to avoid. I'm cynical today.

This morning I foolishly agreed to help my mom watch my niece and nephew. My BIL has H1N1 so my sister has been camped out at mom's house all week. I had to be there at 8:30 so that mom could run to the office to write a contract for a buyer. I swear my phone rings at 8:35 and it's my BIL.

BIL - "Hey, what are you doing?"
Me - "Holding your son."
BIL - "Oh...ah....my mom wants to keep (the niece) today so the girls can play. My brother is on the way over there right now."
Me - "She is still asleep."
BIL - "Can't you wake her up?"
Me - "Fine."

Ten minutes later I have the niece awake, dressed and loaded in the car. I'm watching his brother leave when my phone rings again.
BIL - "Uh.. mom wants both of them."
Me - "You're brother just left. Might want to call him back"

Ten more minutes he is changed, packed and loaded in the car. Here it is 9:00am and I have no kids to watch. To the grocery store....

All day I've been thinking about Cooper. We stopped by his grave on our way out and I hadn't been in forever. The bluebonnets are growing, but only a few have bloomed. We went on a drive to the country to plant flowers on Cooper's girlfried-in-heaven's grave. (Yes, Jen and I joke like that. We are sick and twisted and have our own kind of dead baby momma humor. She's my Yang, I'm her Grey.) Her parents are out of the state right now and very sad that they couldn't do anything for Easter this year. We drove an hour one-way to plant her flowers. We actually really cleaned up her grave too.

Two graves...Two babies lost to PE. Two kiddos that should be here coloring eggs and having Easter outfits. Two mom's wondering what could have been. Does it ever get easier? The wondering what could have been?

I'm rambling and my thoughts are all over tonight. While at Cooper's grave today, Tim and I discussed needing to get a headstone finally for him. Something real, not just the little plaque the funeral home put there. We also talked about getting the plots right next to my parents. I know that one day I will see him again and get to hold him and love on him as much as I want. Somedays, I want that day to be today. I easily can get a "beam me up Scotty" attitude. Somedays, holding on to that promise isn't enough. Today is one of those days.

Think I'm in love with my new cookbook

2010-02-28T17:31:00.000-06:00

In January when Tim was working weekends, my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to see her dad for the weekend. What the heck, I have nothing to do, so I went. The drive to Austin in Friday traffic with rain was nothing fun. Thank goodness we left at 3:00, because it still took us 6 hours to get there. Well, we did stop and eat at Cracker Barrel and got lost when we turned the wrong way out of the parking lot... it was a long trip!

Saturday evening we stay with my aunt and uncle because we had reached our limits with Grandpa's wifie. This is my fav aunt and uncle. This is the uncle that taught be how to can last summer and I always ask him for homecooking recipes. This time I happened to ask about Ice Box Pickles because I have a friend wanting to make some. He pulls out this glorious cookbook his mom (more on her later) had given them for Christmas. Her local parish put out this most amazing book. It's over 3 inches thick in it's own little binder. And it doesn't have just one recipe for say King Ranch. It has like 5 and I love that!

So I tracked down this cookbook because I had to have a copy. It took about a month of phone tag, mailing a check, but FINALLY I had my own copy.

Last weekend, I made Mexican Bean Dip and Black Olive Dip for the Elks Casino night. During the week I made Herb and Pecan crusted beef tenderloin (will post pictures later). Tonight it's Creamy Tortilla Soup. And it smells great. I just keep opening it up and looking at all the yummieness.

*Don't know why I didn't post this earlier*
Back to my uncle's mom. He is my dad's sister's husband. We spend every Thanksgiving at their home with his entire side of the family. They are very large and tight-knit, but welcome us in. When I was in kindergarten, my uncle's dad was killed by a train. They live in a very rural area of south Texas and the tracks cross their drive way. His dad was hard of hearing and had his hearing aids out that day and didn't hear the train coming.

Two weeks ago, his mom was hit by a train. I don't know all the details of what happened, except that she was in a vehicle and the train hit the opposite side. She was careflighted to Austin some 90 miles away and has been in ICU since. She broke 12 ribs, punctured a lung and had a contusion. Through all this, she has become more and more stable. Critical, but stable. Since being admitted, she had a stroke and then got pneumonia and got a tracheotomy. She’s still in ICU, still on a vent, still critical but stable.

Please keep this sweet sweet woman and family in your prayers. For healing, God’s wisdom in the decisions that they have to make on a daily basis and peace in the outcome. They have a long road ahead of them.

Hopeful Hearts

2010-02-22T22:44:00.000-06:00

I went to a new support group/bible study tonight for infertility. Even though I felt like a veteran, it was very good. Not only did I feel the support from a group of people that understood my steps, but I felt... (hard to put in words here) God opening his arms to me. Like welcoming me back to him. So here is to coming home.

A Different Road

2010-02-20T11:28:00.000-06:00

My 10 year high school reunion is in planning stages. They set up a Facebook group and someone through out the question: "Did you think you would be were you're at 10 years ago?"

Um... no not at all.

Ten years ago, I was going to be an industrial engineer. I was in love with an amazing man I knew one day I would marry and my dad would be by my side on that day. (That kinda sounds wrong - I did marry that amazing man, but my dad wasn't there) We were going to have 3 kids by the time I was 30 and be done with baby making.

Yeah, I had a dream alright. And the road continues to change. But I'm thankful for those changes, because it has made me a different person.

What else in going on in Nicole world?
-A fellow baby loss momma and I started writing a book. It feels good to be working on this project, but it is going to take time. Because I keep getting sidetracked with....
-Preeclampsia Promise Walk. It's is right around the corner and alot of work is underway. Building a group of people that want to make in impact on this disease and what it does to families. Hopefully we will get a area chapter up and rolling.
-Speaking of Preeclampsia and the havoc it causes... Get your thyroid testing PE survivors. After urging and proding from Caryn, I started the process. I'm seeing an internest and not an endo. Why you ask? Because I also have PCOS and I want someone that is going to look at my big picture and not just one little part of the problem. First appointment, she felt a nodule on my thyroid and sent me for an ultrasound. Then I was suppose to get all my bloodwork done on day 19 of my cycle. Since my cycles have a mind of their own and it is very twisted, that hasn't happened. Two weeks after my initial visit, I had the labs drawn anyway. Another 2 weeks for them to come back. They called on Friday and want me to come in to review them. Which will be next Friday. My first appt was on Jan 26 mind you this is not a fast process.

Why didn't anyone tell me there was Twilight #5?

2010-01-01T14:28:00.004-06:00

I've been working hard on the blog... like the new look and cool stuff?

One of the cool new gadgets is from Goodreads.com. Thank you Amber and Kristen for telling me about this site. I am always forgetting what books I have read. Usually it hits me about half way through, "Hey, I've read this before." Now I have an online library of the books I've read. Bonus - I can add their cool gadget to my blog. I started off showing what books I'm currently reading, but I'm mostly a one book at a time girl. Unless is a devotional or something along those lines.

So last night after I got home from NYE and ate too many jello shots, my tummy was trying to stage a coup. What would any normal person do at 1:30 in the morning? Why sign up for goodreads.com, that's what. Silly you! And once I started adding my books, I see Twilight #5 (Midnight Sun). Um..Excuse me. Why hasn't anyone told me about this?

It is Twilight #1 (Twilight) written from Edward's perspective. It hasn't been published yet, but someone hijacked it and leaked in on the web. Stephanie Meyer isn't exactly happy about this since it is no where near finished. She has however made it available off her website. http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/midnightsun.html

It is still 264 pages and ends just before their trip to the meadow. Again, what would any normal person do? Stay up and read all of it until 8am on New Year's Day. DUH!

Obviously, I enjoyed it and can't wait for the rest. Be sure to join goodreads.com and let me know.

Starting off the new year right!

2009-12-31T13:02:00.002-06:00

I've been cleaning up the blog and adding labels to posts. I use to never label posts because they all had to do with our fertility treatments pretty much.

To start off the new year, we are going to a NYE party with some friends. I am going to bring jello shots and Spinach Artichoke Dip. And here are the recipes for you!

Jello Shots - from drinkstreet.com
6 oz Jello (large package)
16 oz Water (boiling)
6 oz Water (cold)
10 oz Vodka

Mix the jello mix with boiling water until the powder is fully dissolved and add the cold water and alcohol. Pour the cooling mixture into shot glasses or paper cups. I prefer to buy 2 oz plastic cups with lids. That way I can mark what flavor they are and they stack in the fridge.

The Art & Science of the Jello Shot - still from drinkstreet.com
You can make jello shots with almost any type of alcohol, but you should adjust the proportions of alcohol and cold water to ensure that the shot still sets. The higher the proof of the alcohol, the more water that is required for it to set.

Proof: 30-50
Alcohol: 13 oz
Cold Water: 3 oz

Proof: 80-100
Alcohol: 10 oz
Cold Water: 6 oz

Proof: 150-200
Alcohol: 6 oz
Cold Water: 10 oz

My favorite flavors to make:
Peach Jello with Peach Schnapps
Raspberry Jello with Razzmatazz
Cherry Jello with Vanilla Vodka
Strawberry Jello with Malibu Rum
Lime Jello with Tequila

Spinach Artichoke Dip:
16 oz cream cheese - softened
1 pk of Green Giant Frozen Spinach Drained (Don't cheap out, buy Green Giant!)
1 jar marinated Artichoke Hearts Drained
2 Tablespoons minced garlic
3-4 cups shredded Mozzarella Cheese
Splash of olive oil

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
In a small skillet, saute garlic in olive oil until golden brown.
In a bowl mix cream cheese, spinach, artichoke hearts, garlic and 2 cups of cheese.
Pour mixture into pan. I usually use a pie plate or 9 x 9 Pyrex dish.
Top with remaining cheese. Depending on the size of the dish you use you will need more or less cheese.
Bake in oven for 30 min or until golden brown on top.
Serve while warm.

I serve this with wheat thins or triscits. Regular tortilla chips aren't hefty enough for it. If you are feeling extra special, you can take a long skinny loaf of Italian bread and make little toast slices.

Jennifer made me do it!

2009-12-30T18:41:00.003-06:00

I haven't posted in forEVER, because well let's face it. My life is pretty boring these days. Nothing new to write about. I feel like I'm the hamster in the wheel. Wake up. Go to work. Gripe about work. Come home. Gripe about work. Play Mafia Wars. Go to bed. REPEAT! It's enough to drive a woman to drink. Done that too!

So Jennifer has putting some blogging material in my head.
-Like my dream house and property. We've been browsing at land and in my boredom I've been looking at home designs.
-Cooking, because we have been doing alot of that lately. Kinda inspired by Julie & Julia. Loved that movie!
-Books I've been reading and movies. Thank you Netflix and half.com!
-Ideas on how to muzzle the neighbors dogs.

Just some ideas to throw out there. So you will be hearing from me again. Soon. Very soon.

I'm just that boring!

2009-09-09T19:10:00.003-05:00

I realized I haven't posted much at all lately. Twice in one day, oh my! Kinda have a lot on my mind.

Now that we aren't going through fertility treatments, there doesn't seem to be that much going on in my life. I get up, go to work, roll my eyes at my boss and say a few choice words after I hang up the phone, come home, read a little, go to bed and start all over. There are no crazy dr appointments or shots or nerves on edge.

My dear friend and former coworker recently told me she was pregnant. We relate on a different level because she suffered 7 years of fertility treatments. And when her adoption fell through this spring, I felt her pain of losing that child and dream. I'd like to think I was the most excited person for her news. I know she is terrified still of the what ifs. But if there is anyone I know deserves it, it's her.

Last week we had this long chat via IM. We talked about how stressful the job is and how we are both alike with our Type A personalities that take ownership and pride in our work. She told me how she thinks that getting layed off and what helped her relax enough to get pregnant. She asks me flat out when I'm going to quit my job. It's a realization that I have accepted to myself some time ago. That I won't get pregnant working where I'm at and that I won't have a successful pregnancy either.

I'm kinda at a crossroads. I love what I do and who I work for. My boss has become a true mentor and in someways a stand in dad. At what price do I stay there? To get out of debt and have a bigger home? What's the point of having all that if I don't have a family to share it with? Is having a family worth keeping this job? These are things I haven't even discussed with my husband. But I feel them buried deep down inside. In the end, what if I leave my job and I still end up childless?

I'm very tired of being the one that doesn't fit in. Over the summer, we have been hanging out with a different group of friends. I really enjoy this group. There aren't any kids running around or even being discussed, we are married or in a committed relationship, all have jobs and enjoy relaxing. We are all pretty much at the same stage in life. Still I feel I don't fit. I yearn for something else. I've had something else but it was taken from me.

On Easter Sunday, we visited our friends church and went with them to Sunday School. I really enjoyed the topic of the class, but again felt out of place. It was a class of young marrieds, most with families except for the couple most recently married. As we go around the room, everyone shares their jobs and brags on their kids. Then it's our turn. I stare at my hands, not really sure what to say. T feels my hesitation and grabs my hand. He introduces us to the class without a mention of Cooper, but he squeezes my hand in acknowledgement of the pain just underneath.

Reading

2009-09-09T07:33:00.004-05:00

I've been doing alot of reading lately. I guess it's nice to get lost in someone else's life.

It started with Twilight. I was hell bent I wasn't reading this book and that everyone was insane for getting so caught up with it. Then I started it on our trip to New Orleans. Read the entire thick 4-book set in a week. And then immediately read it again. What's wrong with me??? I finally understand the insanity. He says all the right lines. Pulls on the strings of your heart. And then there is the familiarity. Having a pregnancy that ends in abruption and dang near kills you. Yeah, I've been there and I see a little bit of my own story wrapped in there. The raw grief of losing someone so close to you that your life stops.

"And yet, I found I could survive....I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it." Exactly how I feel.

Two of my girlfriends have read the series AND their husbands. First, T doesn't read for fun. He's taking too many classes where he has to read. And I think he would hurt me when he got to the abruption part for encouraging him.

Now I'm almost done with My Sister's Keeper. Again, friend recommended it. Again, I relate. I relate to loosing a child. I relate to the silent moments that find their way into your marriage. When you look at your spouse and realize how much life has changed you. You aren't the same person you where when you married, but neither is he. I relate to wanting to do anything, anything to save your child's life. We'll see how it ends. I'll probably finish it tonight.

Where to Find Money Saving Ideas

2009-08-13T23:17:00.003-05:00

Southern Savers is probably my most favorite coupon site. She organizes things so well. I just run through her lists, grab my coupons and go.

Hot Coupon World would be by next fav site. They list alot more stores, have a coupon database, just not as organized.

I Heart CVS is great. Don't know how they do it, but they have tons of future ads so you know what is going to be on sale.

Those are my top 3. I started couponing because we were flat broke. Now that we have been doing it for a while, we have a nice stock pile of groceries, first aid supplies and health & beauty aids. Plus a freezer full of food. FULL. The extra money we save goes towards paying off debt. It's become a game. Why would I want to pay full price for anything????

On a sideish not, Kroger is having an AWESOME deal on Saturday that I am going to miss out on. I won't complain too long, because I will be spending the weekend in New Orleans. Lots of pictures coming next week!

Texas Heat

2009-07-22T18:06:00.002-05:00

I got this today and it is dead on.

Dear Diary
Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here..
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body).. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon.The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits.I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now,$225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one.Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work,the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire.My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do Shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?"My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.Freaking Texas .What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??
Will write later to let you know

What to say or do

2009-07-06T00:42:00.002-05:00

Not sure I've post this here but there is this list of what to say or do when a baby dies. Is there one for facing infertiles? If not, let's make one.

Yes, I'm still up writing a letter to my mother. I'll let you know how that goes.

Damage I did today

2009-07-05T14:40:00.002-05:00

I spent yesterday at my friends farm enjoying some peace. Then this morning did my weekly shopping run. I think I did pretty darn good.

Kroger -
Total before coupons and sales: $87.88
Total Spent: $52.63
Total Saved: $35.25 or 40%
Non sale items included Koolaid for the niece, Ocean Spray to go for the hubs, 4 lbs of Strawberries, 4 lbs of Carrots and more hummus for hubs.

Target-
Total before coupons and sales: $87.23
Total Spent: $49.90Total Saved: $37.33 or 43%
This included a 20lb bag of dog food and a 24 ct of Zyrtec.

Petsmart -Total before coupons and sales: $28.79
Total Spent: $23.79Total Saved: $5 or 17%

And now for the drum roll please.....

CVS-
Total before coupons and sales: $229.00
Total Spent: $14.58Total Saved: $214.42 or 94%
AND Remaining ECBs: $41.47
Anybody need a blood glucose meter??? I'm starting a collection of them and I don't need them.

Total Damage for today-
Total before coupons and sales: $432.90
Total Spent: $140.90
Total Saved: $292.00 or 67.5%

And my mom is still an idiot. That hasn't changed in 2 days.

First Draft - Cooper's Story

2009-07-03T23:25:00.001-05:00

The Preeclampsia Foundation is doing a book of stories for Saving Grace this year. This is my first draft of Cooper's story. I had to chop it down alot to fit the 500 word maximum.

Comments? Suggestions?

December 28, 2005 was the day that changed our lives forever. I was sleeping on the couch while watching TV. At 3:30 the TV woke me up. I turned it off and went to bed. As I got into bed, I realized my stomach was hurting a little bit. As I lay there sipping my water and watching the clock, I am waiting for the pain to subside. This being my first child, I am thinking that a contraction has to subside at some point, right? It was 4:45 by the time we got to the hospital and the nurses were hooking me up to the monitors. They put the Doppler on my stomach, silence. Moved it around, silence. Brought in another machine, silence. I knew this wasn't good. They started prepping me for an emergency c-section. I remember my husband calling my mom in the corner of the room. He had no idea what was going on, but I did.

The nurses literally ran me to the OR. Not a minute after I was on the operating table the doctor on call came in. She sat me up and told me they couldn't find a heartbeat. As the nurse helped me back into bed, I could see the tears on her face. About the time the epidural was done, my vitals started to plunge. I remember hearing my doctor slapping me on the legs and yelling at me to breathe. I was rushed back to the OR for a c-section. The placenta had completely separated from my uterus.

Hours later, I was still having problems. I was rushed back into the operating room. I do remember my doctor telling me that they were going back in to check for more bleeding. They were unable to keep me stable. If my uterus was still bleeding and they were not able to stop it, they might have to do a hysterectomy. I remember saying whatever needs to be done. I didn't want to die at 23. The next thing I remember was waking up in ICU the next day. When they let my husband come back to see me, I found out that I undergone two surgeries to save my life. I had to have 13 units of blood and countless units of platelets.

I did get to see and hold my son that afternoon. He was beautiful, wrapped in a white blanket with a blue stocking cap on his head. He had huge hands and dark hair. We left with empty arms.

All together I spent 5 days in ICU and 4 more days in post-op. My doctor stayed next to my side for 18 hours that first day. Three days after I got home from the hospital, we buried our son next to my dad. That was the hardest thing to do, letting go of all of our dreams and hopes for our son and family.

Taking a Break

2009-07-02T18:09:00.002-05:00

Got a BFN today which really didn't surprise me. It's been one of those cycles. So it's official now. We are taking a break from TTC. Kinda feel like a weight is lifted off my chest. I don't know how long it will be, but we need to feel at peace again. I also would like to work on loosing some of the 30 pounds the fertility meds have added.

The family baby mama drama went to an all time high today. My sis had her son last night. No phone call, no text, no email. I find out from Facebook. Then my mom called DH. She doesn't know how to handle me. So when I am ready she's there. I'm so tired of her BS. I've spent all day pissing about it. Now tonight I am going to the Elk's Lodge where I will partake in adult beverages and enjoy myself. Tomorrow I would like to run away for the weekend and forget about my family.

Need to vent

2009-06-29T18:56:00.002-05:00

One problem with my mom being on facebook. I get to see all her little "Pray for the baby!" statuses. Then here is a response from one of my former coworkers:

Wow, congrats !! You finally getting your boy !!

She was working with me when Cooper died. FINALLY. I want to respond and say "For the record, her FIRST grandson WOULD have been 3 and a half."

My sis is having her amnio tomorrow. Why would you have an amnio a week before your due date? Hmm.... maybe because you don't know when you are really due since you waited 6 months to see a dr. Is it bad that I secretly hope it hurts like hell? It's ok if you say yes.

The one good thing right now is that work has been slammed. AKA distracted from the baby drama that is about to commence.

Need to Brag

2009-06-22T21:54:00.004-05:00

Today we went live on Satan's retarded stepsister's project. (Yes, that is the nickname she has acquired). And we actually started getting orders today. How many orders were there for her design? Zero. Zilch. Nada. None. How many orders were there for our design? 5. And she threw an ever loving fit when we proposed it to her. Then 30 min later wanted all of it. Go Figure. I think she has multiple personalities. Too bad I won't get to see her face when we tell her our success and her failure. LIKE WE TOLD HER IN THE FIRST PLACE. But she know printing far better than we do. Loser!

And then my sweetheart customer helped me pull one over on D. I can't used their first initials because all of my customer's start with an S. Sooooo... there is Satan's retarded stepsister (SRS) and my sweetheart (pea- because we are two peas in a pod). Pea got D so good today. Glad I wasn't within striking distance. We told him this problem exploded and upper management was not happy. Of course Pea and I had solved the problem with no worries. It was only a $27,000 error that we avoided. I should keep track of how many errors I talk the customer into keeping. Hmm.....

Friday - my next project goes live. I have training calls every day this week. Including a webinar at 8:00 am tomorrow. Better get to bed so I can wake up early and get to work before it starts. The fun and games are about to really begin when this account goes live. Lots and lots to work on.

One last thing. What is this thing growing in my garden? It is furry like a kiwi. But not. And no, it isn't a ki-cumber.

Can't Sleep

2009-06-20T23:41:00.002-05:00

It's hot in my house or at least I'm hot. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact I have been standing over the stove frying bacon and sausage for the Father's Day Brunch tomorrow at the Elk's Lodge. As Ladies VP, I'm in charge for the moment. Our President's dad had open heart surgery this week, so I have been writing newsletter articles, coordinating volunteers and such.

I hate father's day almost as much as mother's day. I am fatherless, sonless and will be husbandless tomorrow. T has to work tomorrow - poor guy. I really wanted to get him a compost tumbler, but couldn't find the deal I wanted. So I settled for some new work shirts.

My sister had her baby shower today. I didn't go. Can't do it. My mom left me a voicemail this morning. I erased it after, "I know today is difficult for you..." Yeah, you can stop right there. Just leave me alone and don't try to understand how difficult it is for me. You are in the glow of a new grandbaby right around the corner.

Yesterday I had another IUI for my one follicle. This is the last month before moving on to IVF. Right now, T and I are both so burnt out ttc, that we might take a break. Being on a schedule for over a year has taken a toll. It has sucked the romance out of our marriage and made it a chore. We need a break from the expectations, the dr appointments and the crazy drugs. We need a chance to find each other again. This new schedule isn't helping either. We are always running in opposite directions.

Keep praying I am pregnant this month. And Pray for Stellan.

Today was a little better

2009-06-17T20:52:00.002-05:00

My crazy abusive customer only emailed me twice and it wasn't directed at me. What a difference it makes when she leaves me alone. I did have a little drama with one of my plants not getting my orders done in time. They were being pig headed, so I pulled half of the orders and gave them to another plant. I used my superior problem solving skills and worked it out instead of escalating to upper management.

I meet with Dr. L tomorrow am. I really hope it goes better and we have some improvement. Unfortunately, my job isn't going to get any less stressful and I kinda need a pay check. Any other ideas for stress release that don't involve spending lots of money on massages? It's entirely too hot to walk when I get home from work (It's 9:00pm and heat index is 93). So share your ideas? What do you do to relieve stress?

My happy note for the rest of the week: California Casual! Shorts and flip flops to work. Thank Heaven because it is miserable hot here.

Are you stressed?

2009-06-16T17:35:00.002-05:00

Um yeah! Had my appt with Dr H this morning. Same exact protocol as last month. I had 1 measureable follicle at 14mm. This time last month I had 4 measureable follicles. He asks if I have been stressed lately? Hmm... let's see. I have a customer that is abusive but she's got us bent over and taking it. A sales rep that won't listen to anything I say. A car the broke down yesterday. Just to name a few. Last month I was on vacation this week. I can't take a week of vacation every month.

Add it to the stress pile. Crap.

Weekend Roundup

2009-06-07T21:48:00.003-05:00

Did I mention that T started a new horrible shift at work??? I hate it with a passion. 7-4 (which is the only nice part that we can eat dinneSr at a decent hour), but he is off Tues and Wed. I never get a day with him. Last weekend was the first weekend of this. I was bored out of my mind. This weekend was a different tiger.

First thing Sat Morning, I met with Dr. H. Nope, still not preggo. Pretty well knew that was going to be the result after my post-ovulation follicle check. I still had 2 follicles on the right side that looked like they had tried to pop but didn't. Dontcha just love how my body hates to function. I was scared that will those giant follicles there that I would have giant cysts. Nope, the old ovaries were back to normal yesterday. Whew!

So the plan this month is same meds as last month. Instead of doing the HCG subq (in my tummy) we will be doing it muscularly (in my arse). Let's keep our fingers crossed that we have great eggs when I go back on 6/16. Hopefully they look great and we can do IUI on 6/17 while T is off work. This is the last month of IUI. If this doesn't work, we will start IVF next.

I've also been stressing about how in the world are we going to arrange T's dropoff with his new schedule. The good thing is that his office is 3 min from the dr office. But he has to be at work at 7 and their earliest dropoff is 8. Any suggestions on the logistics to ease my mind?

From there I went shopping hunting out a hot pink shirt to go with my super duper cute new hot pink wedges that I got for $6.99. I need to take a picture of these little cuties. Finally found a shirt. Got my eyebrows threaded then headed home. Baked 2 batches of brownies....did I mention all this prep work was for a bachlor/bachlorette party??? Took a nap, went and got my hair and makeup done. Then headed to meet everyone at the hotel.

We went to Gloria's in Addison. I have never been there before. Besides being quite the hot spot (they open for Salsa Dancing at 11pm) their food was amazing. I got Sour Cream Chicken Enchiladeas. I swear they were better than sex. Best I've ever had. By the time we got seated it was close to 9:30 so we ate way too much chips, salsa and black bean dip. When the food arrived I could only eat one of the sexy beasts. Not to fear, I packed up what was left to eat for lunch today. It was still amazing.

I realized last night that I am getting old. There was a big divide in the ages at this party. There were the hovering around 30 group and the hovering around legal drinking age group. Why did it feel like being a chaparone instead of a participant? By the time I got to sleep it was 4:30. T was also at this party....still had to be at work at 7. Did he get any sleep? Nope. Not a wink. He got home from work around 5. I had dinner ready so he could eat and crash. He's been asleep since 5:15. Poor poor T.

Not Me Monday

2009-05-29T22:00:00.003-05:00

Are you feeling guilty for leaving the windows open to catch a breeze when you know the air is on? Feel like a bag lady for wearing the same shirt for days on end? Get tricked by a fake news story and feel foolish? We'll don't! Not Me! Monday was born out of my desire to admit some of my imperfections and reveal a few moments I'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

My dogs did not kill a kitten in the back yard at 12:30 at night. I did not go out there in a t-shirt and panties with a GI camping shovel and toss it over the fence. My labs smell like roses and I would not be worried about them rolling in a stinky dead cat. My backyard is fully fenced and none of my neighbors had the chance to see a second full moon. I would never ever pick up a dead kitty with a miniature shovel and leaving it there for T to properly dispose of.

Our dogs always stay out of our organic garden. If they did manage to bend the fence, wiggle under there and pee on all my tomato plants, I most certainly would not ground that dog. That dog does not have separation anxiety and didn't bark all. day. long. I did not wave my miniature broom at him through the back door and then leave it propped up there as a reminder.

In the 2 Week Wait

2009-05-20T18:15:00.002-05:00

Dr. L is so impressed with my hubby's super sperm. Every time, he makes a comment about how he sets records. Even sent the lab results home with me so we can frame them. Today's count: 36 Million High Quality Swimmers. According to Dr. L, a normal man is around 5 Million.

Dr. L thinks that this is a great cycle and we should conceive. I go back in Saturday for another sono to check and make sure the follicles released the eggs.

3 Nice Follicles + 36 million swimmer = 2 Week Wait

I also had my free hair treatment from Keratase today and got a pedicure. Life is good!

Big Follies!

2009-05-18T14:12:00.002-05:00

I saw Dr. L today for CD13. I have been on clomid, menopur and dexasomething. Results? A 19, two 17's and a 14 follies. WHOO! I take my HCG shot tonight and have IUI scheduled for Wednesday.

DH and I are on vacation this week and I have been so relaxed.

Saturday- Slept until 11:00. Went and looked at houses with my mom. Then made my preggo sister go to dinner with us so she could be the DD. UMMMM Margaritas!

Sunday - Slept until 10:00. Worked in the garden most of the day. The most amazing weather. Which was good, because the weeds have taken over our garden. We are about half way through pulling. Today - Slept until 8:00. Got eyebrows threaded, saw Dr. L. Went shoe shopping at the $6.99 shoe store and got 2 pairs of really cute shoes. One pair of pink peeptoe wedges and a pair of pink stripper shoes. Those are just for me and my "dancing" workout. Ate lunch with DH and going to look at more houses this afternoon. Woot!

I LOVE VACATION!

Not Me Monday!

2009-05-11T11:17:00.003-05:00

No I did not type up my not me monday post at my work computer, then run to the training room to post it. No I have not been hitting the check mail button every 5 secs to see if my email to myself has come through yet. No I will not be coming back to finish this post when that blasted email arrives.

Here's the rest of my post:

I did not shut my pinky in my car door Saturday night. Nope, my pinky does not look like a polish sausage. And I had done that, I would have found the perfect size splint and it wouldn't get in my way at all. Typing and writing are easy as pie!

My car registration is current and I am not procrastinating to get it renewed. No, I'm not driving like a granny to not draw attention from potential ticket givers.

I gave my aunt perfect directions for the WAT route. She didn't make a wrong turn and detour us through a parking lot. I didn't let my grandmother railroad me into starting early and someone did not have to run to catch up with us. Jamie did not drop her Blackberry in the toilet and did not have to go fishing for it. All of the supplies from the WAT have been unloaded and are put away. Since my pinky is in perfect shape, I would never have used that as an excuse.

And I didn't drip taco juice all over my splint at lunch. I am not about to waste money to get a new splint that doesn't make me crave chips and salsa.

The Text Message

2009-04-14T19:02:00.002-05:00

This is going to be short and sweet because I've been balling, screaming and crying for the last hour. And I'm promised not to blog when I'm like this.

"It's a boy" was all it said. She's due July 9th. That makes her almost 28 weeks.

And I just spilled all my guts to my mom. She's in the circle of trust, but I don't trust her.

I shouldn't blog when I'm crying

2009-04-04T17:08:00.003-05:00

It all comes out as gibberish. I have a clear mind today and can make words form sentences.

Why am I so hurt by my sister's pregnancy?
My sister is the only person in my family that I have told about our fertility treatments. In November, I stopped updating her on my treatments because it was all getting back to my mom. I have felt very isolated and even more so now.

I was told of her last pregnancy days before my first mother's day. Of course neither her or my mom realized that until yesterday. It couldn't have been more poorly timed. The week after breaking the news, she went for her first dr appointment. She was already half way through her pregnancy and had never stepped foot in an ob's office. Because the ob had no history to compare her trends, she was monitored closely. She did develop preeclampsia in that pregnancy. Here it is again and she still hasn't seen an OB.

Just like last time, she is far enough along that my mom guessed she was pregnant. Just like last time, she still hadn't told the father. At least she is married this time.

No health insurance, not until May 1. Is that why she hadn't gone to the dr??? Is that why she wasn't taking birth control? This wasn't a planned pregnancy. Lots of people don't have insurance, they still find a way to take care of things.

She isn't responsible enough to think past herself and think of the health of her child. Why on earth would she get pregnant again? Oh wait, it's because she isn't responsible.

I really don't know what to say to her. I was so supportive of her last pregnancy and it killed me. It was only months after we lost Cooper. I can't support her stupidity. I really am struggling with this.

Remind me again, why she can have such a lax attitude towards pregnancy and I would die to be pregnant again? I did our taxes a few weeks ago. We spent close to $4,000 out of pocket on dr visits and meds last year. All trying to get pregnant.

I feel once again like I have been kicked in the teeth. Like I can't be happy. I was really looking forward to this next round of treatments. I feel like the surgery is going to make a difference. Now, I just don't know. I feel really numb, but at the same time just want it to be my turn.

Some evil April Fool's Joke

2009-04-03T17:41:00.003-05:00

My sister has got to be the most chicken shit person I know. She's pregnant again. AGAIN! I guess I haven't been paying attention because it was obvious to my mom. She is far enough along to be showing, but the idiot hasn't been to the effing dr yet. Chicken shit. And she couldn't tell me, she made my mom. Chicken shit.

Fast and Furious Week

2009-03-29T20:44:00.005-05:00

Last week I had my post-op with Dr. L. I got a set of the pictures and surgical report. As soon as I start we will start on meds again. Hopefully this week or next week.

T got a wild hair yesterday and wanted new ink. This pendent is made of a little pocket piece the chaplin at the hosptial gave us after Cooper died. Our friend's parent made them into knecklaces and engraved the back with his name and birthday. Here is T's newest tattoo.

Today we went out to the cemetary. I've been wanting to go out there all week since I started to see patches of bluebonnets on the roadside a week ago. The little bear was made by my mom's friend. She did a great job with it. This was the only blanket I had bought for Cooper. I got the idea from the founder of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. She had a little bear made that was symbolic of the child they lost. Whenever they take a family photo, the bear is there.

This coming week is going to be insane. My boss is coming in town with potential customers. I'll be the circus ring master for the week. Also have a Ladies Elk meeting and need to wrap up some sponsors for the PF Walk. Whewww!

It went well

2009-03-13T20:28:00.002-05:00

I'm going to make this short and sweet since I'm still on pain meds.

I'm am not a Friday the 13th believer, but this week had me questioning it. When I went Tuesday for my pre-op, they forgot to give me the lab orders. Wendnesday I went back, go the orders and headed to the lab. They had to stick me 3 times to get the blood samples. Then today that had to stick me twice for the IV, because he went through the vein the first time. Then we were running almost an hour behind, so I was crazy starving.

When I came out, I was in major pain. Morphine wasn't touching it, I got two rounds of demerol. WOOT! That stuff is amazing. They let T come back and he told me that it went well. Dr. L was happy with the results on the right side. He wasn't able to do as much as he wanted on the left side (bad side) because my bowels were around it??? He said that we will be able to start TTC quickly and we would do three more rounds of Super Ovulation with IUI before going to IVF.

I'm very tired and very sore. Very similar to how I felt after my c-section. I know the incinsions are small, but I still want to hold myself when I cough.

Ok, that wasn't as short as I planned. I hope it makes sense. I'm going back to the recliner.

It's Surgery Day

2009-03-13T07:58:00.002-05:00

My wonderful plan to sleep in, roll out of bed and leave didn't work so well. I was awake by 7:30. I don't have to be at the hospital until 12:15 and I'm trying really hard not to think about food. I think it's worse when you know you can't have any.

I almost broke my office last night. My shelf fell off the wall when I was hooking up my new router. I say office because it would have taken out my flat screen monitor, phone, modem and laser printer. I would have been totally screwed. T hasn't even noticed. HAHAHA.

Expect a gibberish post sometime tonight about the surgery.

I have become that weirdo!

2009-03-11T18:47:00.004-05:00

The ones that you see that post pictures of what they got on their shopping trips. I think I did ok today. If I learned how to count and bought 1 more item, I would have saved another $5.

This is everything I got. Spent $30.32 and saved $51.94. Should have been closer to $57 savings, but oh well.

And here is a new picture of the neice. She was helping me shop at CVS on Friday and we couldn't pass up the ears. I figured it was a wash when the coupons I had. And she is showing of her braids. Momma did them.

Margarita Madness

2009-03-09T19:01:00.003-05:00

That's my warning, I've already had a big margarita and it's only 7:00.

I saw Dr. L today. Yup started again on Saturday, but I knew anyway. He was so apologetic that it still hasn't worked. He asked me what I wanted to do and I asked what are the options. Since my insurance is covering my meds pretty well, he thought about upping the doses. Then said he would rather go with a Pen to better control the doses. Then he thought about it some more while looking over the past 3 months. What about surgery and ovarian drilling? We all really think my left ovary is stuck to the back of my uterus. And since they are in there, do a little ovarian drilling to help too. The way I explained it to my friend is that my ovaries are covered with cysts and have become candy coated but not that nice. The drilling will help get rid of some of the cysts, give more room for good follies to develop and open things up.

T is mad. He sees it as more time and $ since the Menopur is working. Um... no it isn't, I'm not pregnant. I tried telling him that Dr. L is trying to help up not spend all that $. Again, his patience is long gone.

So Friday I go in for lap and ovarian drilling. Tomorrow I have my pre-op and we'll see how that goes. I just want to get it done and over with. Dr. L has a good point. Why spend all that money and it still doesn't work???

Hunky Dorey

2009-02-26T19:27:00.008-06:00

First of all, the most amazing sunset tonight. Texas truly has the best sunsets. I love sunsets, they remind me of God's presence in my life. Like He is painting with water colors.

Last night I had dinner with my mom, sister and niece. Niece was looking at pictures of her boo boo from last time and started to pose. "Toe, Toe (that's how she says my name).... cheeesssseeee." Cheese is right!

T has been working hard in the garden and it's coming along. Hoping to have a good crop to take to the farmers market.

That's about all that's going on for now. Check back later!

Oh, I almost forgot. I watched Fireproof last weekend. Amazing movie. Then I got "The Love Dare" this week. I'm on day 3, so far so good. My mom asked me, "Isn't that movie all about marriage?" Well yes and no. It also is about forgiveness, selflessness, servitude and much more. I highly recommend it! Go to www.fireproofyourmarriage.com

Fast Weekend

2009-02-08T23:03:00.006-06:00

Friday night, my shopping buddy (my neice) and I hit the stores. Grocery stores that is. She was tuckered out from all the money we saved.

Her shirt says, "Cute as a button." And that's road rash on her face. She was walking around in momma's high heals and tripped. Poor girl!

We saved lots of money at the store. I'm new to the coupon game, but I love it. I'm a little addicted. It is a game to me. I want to see how much I can get for free every week.

That is $51.81 (52%) from last week's trip and $41.57 (60%) from this week's trip. I'm not as good as the lady from T's office that got $0.08 back for over $400 worth of groceries. He took a picture of the receipt. I'm getting better. T thought I was nuts when I was taking pictures of the receipts. I'm trying to prove how much I'm saving and keep track. Next week, I'll take a picture of everything I brought home for the amount spent too.

This weekend went by way too fast. I need another day off....

New Camera, New Day

2009-02-04T20:01:00.006-06:00

I've been inspired by Kelly's blog and I'm going to try to document more things in my life. Not just the crap. That and my new digital camera came in today so I am a happy girl. Thank you woot!

Update on my mom:

The colonoscopy came back negative for Crohn's. She did have 1 polyp and 1 small diverticulitus. They saw on the CT scan that she had a thickening of the small intestine and that is what made them suspect Crohn's in the first place. Now they are thinking gallbladder or gall stones. She was released last night and will follow up with a general surgeon this week.

The reason I freaked out about the Crohn's is because my mom has a very nasty autoimmune disease that has been in remission for 20 years. It is a very nasty form of scleroderma and I can't remember the entire name.

I think I was feeling sympathy pains for my mom yesterday, because I was sick all day. Included throwing up. No I'm not pregnant. I also had my appt with Dr. H yesterday. T did not go with me. Some how, some way, I let him talk me into another round of IUI. I think my tummy was already hurting and I just wanted to get out of there. I go back on 2/13 with the IUI on 2/14. That would be cool!

On to my pictures and my naughty naughty dog. This is what I came home to.

Oh yes, this is what's left of my Femara.

Why does he like Target perscriptions so much? I almost crapped my pants thinking he ate all my pills. Nope, there all there. I don't know how I'm going to get to them, but there all there. This is the second Target script he has destroyed. FYI - The bottles aren't dog proof either.

Here is the bad boy. He's grounded!

Can't wait

2009-02-01T22:09:00.002-06:00

My SIL is suppose to have her baby tomorrow at 40+1. I'll never know being that pregnant. She is also having a boy, which is totally killing me. I feel this is a safe place where I can express my complete disgust with my in-laws. Two of the most pathetic, bottom feeding, welfare cheating, mooching people I know. Why do they get what they want and I get another baseline sonogram? Yep, I started today.

22 months of trying. 11 months of trying with meds. 2 failed IUIs. T wants to start IVF. The plan was that if this month didn't work, to have lap surgery and fix the left ovary. He thinks it's a waste of time and we should just start IVF. I'll be honest. I'm a little scared of IVF. It costs alot even with the amazing insurance we have. Our insurance isn't going to cover all the meds, so I expect at least a grand out of pocket for that. Then there is the risk of multiples. I don't know why I feel this way. It just feels so drastic. I think I also have doubt it will work. My body is in total revolt of being pregnant.

Then T and I got in a big fight on the way home tonight. I was bitching about the SIL and all the things that she gets to experience that I won't (natural birth, labor, etc). All I have is that I won't ever go past my due date. He starts in on the IVF. I say I need the surgery first. Every time I have a follicle on my left side, I feel like I'm being stabbed in the side. That's with only 1 follie, not multiples. That is going to lay me out. I'll be begging for pain killers and staying in bed. I'd rather get the thing fixed and have better chances all around. Yes, I understand that is another delay. Yes, I just want to be pregnant. There is no guarantee with any of it.

What do you think? Surgery or jump into IVF. I think I'm going to make T come to me with this week's appt. I told him he wouldn't have to go to another one, but I want him there to talk to Dr. L too.

Our Journey

2009-01-17T09:09:00.005-06:00

Blog post to keep track of our journey and move it off the sidebar.

10/26/02: Married T
1/2/04: Got BFP
1/17/04: Miscarried
February 05: Started TTC #2
5/30/05: Got BFP!
9/19/05: Found out we were having a boy
12/23/05: Put on bedrest for Preeclampsia
12/28/05: The day our lives changed forever
1/1/06: Released from ICU
1/7/06: Released from hospital
1/9/06: Buried my son
April 07: Started TTC #3
April 08: 100mg Clomid
May 08: 150mg Clomid
June 08: 150mg Clomid
7/30/08: First RE Appt
August 08: Cycle cancelled - cyst
September 08: Cycle Cancelled - cyst
October 08: 150mg Clomid + HCG
November 08: 150 Femera, Menopur + HCG trigger
December 08: 150 Femera, Menopur + HCG Trigger and IUI
January 09: 150 Femera, Menopur + HCG Trigger and IUI
February 09: 150 Femera, Menopur + HCG Trigger and IUI
March 13, 2009: Laproscopy and ovarian drilling
May 09: Clomid, Menopur, Dex + HCG Trigger and IUI
June 09: Clomid, Menopur, Dex + HCG Trigger and IUI
July 09: Taking a break

A few natural remedies for fellow sufferers

2009-01-09T14:15:00.000-06:00

Got a cold? Feeling like crud?
Try Oil of Oregano Capsules.

Having muscle spasms or cramps?
Try Magnesium.

You just hurt all over? Lower back pain? Need some ibuprofen?
Use Fish Oil instead. I highly recommend Melaleuca's Omega 3 Fish Oil. It is citrus flavored so there is no fishy aftertaste. I can show you how to get some. Plus it's good for your heart!

Another date with the dildo cam

2009-01-05T21:33:00.002-06:00

Today, I got it twice. First the nurse, then Dr. L. The nurse was nice, she tried and tried to find that bastard left ovary. Dr. L comes in and says, "See you have to push harder to find that little bastard." I felt like the man was trying to find my tonsils, not my bastard ovary.

Quick run down after the probing. Last month's progesterone was 17, month before that almost 10. Much much better. Surgery? Not yet. He said I had a perfect cycle, just didn't get pregnant. Let's try the same thing this month, start Menopur today instead of waiting until day 7. We hope for lots of follies this month. I am praying that something will grow on the right side. Please lord, not the left side.

If this month still doesn't work, then surgery.

On a very side note, work was hell today. Which was a good thing, it kept my mind on work. Talked to my pampered chef lady today on the way home. Party Time!!! Jan 29th.

A Poem - "Wait"

2009-01-04T18:54:00.001-06:00

WAIT
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

"Merry" and "Christmas" Don't go together

2009-01-04T13:11:00.003-06:00

For some reason, I can get Merry and Christmas to come out of my mouth together. The same goes for Happy New Year. My Christmas wasn't merry and my new year isn't happy. Today my dad's side of the family is having their Christmas. I did the chicken shit thing and dropped my gifts on my mom's door step at 7am so they will take them for me. I feel bad for not going, but I know that going will put me in even a darker place.

The past week and a half has been non stop crap. CRAP! I have been so busy up until Dec 21 that I didn't have a chance to really stop and think. Once that was over, it all started to hit me and fast. Christmas. Crap! We went to my mom's just so I wouldn't get the guilt trip later. I tried really hard to get my timing right so that all the little kids wouldn't be there when I was. Well that didn't happen. When we turned down the street, I could see the cars in the driveway. I just sunk in the seat. Damn I sure didn't want to be there now. Luckily, T and I were really running late and only stayed for about 45 min. Thank GOD! Then T's dad came over for dinner after that. It was nice and relaxing. The food was great and there was no talk of kiddos.

Friday after T got off work, we went out to our friend's farm. She is an angel mommy too and we both were in a mood to ignore Christmas all together. We were just going to stay Friday night and play Saturday. But we were really enjoying the peacefulness and stayed Saturday night too. We were staying at an old farm house that had a screened in porch that was at least 1000 sq ft. That is where we slept. They have 4 beds on the porch with electric blankets and the screens are covered with plexi glass for the winter. Sunday morning we woke to be most amazing sunrise. There are two things we do really well in Texas - sunrises and sunsets.
Amazing, isn't it? We went home, took showers and I headed into town to get balloons and pick up my dog. While I was picking up the dog, one of the balloons busted. I was sitting in my mom's driveway fighting back the tears. After I got home and at lunch, I passed out until about 5:00. Tim woke me up so we could go to the cemetery. This year, I really felt in shock. Still so numb and in disbelief that this happened to us. That isn't my son in the ground. We aren't visiting his grave. It is all a really bad dream and I will wake up soon.

NOT!

Tuesday was the day I poas and got another BFN. When T asked what the next step was, I said probably surgery (he's ready to go IVF). Why? Because my left ovary is stuck to be back of my uterus because of all the scar tissue. I think it needs to be fixed. Without it being fixed, every month is a gamble on what side I will ovulate off of. Oct was left side, Nov was left side, Dec was right side. I feel like those months were wasted, like I didn't even have a chance.

I had already been crying that morning and when I explained all this to T, he exploded and punched a hole in the closet door. I lost it sobbing hysterically. This is my fault. My body won't work. My body has let us down for 3 years now. My body killed our son. I think he quickly realized how his actions made me feel.

I guess all this lead up to me being chicken shit today. After I left my mom's house, I went and ran errands. Let me tell you - there is no one at Walmart at 7:30 on Sunday morning. I cried all morning. I could stop for long enough to get to my next place, get in, get out and loose it again. Last year I got the biggest guilt trip to go to Christmas. On Friday this week, my mom and I got into it. She is so dense. "Well, it's a week and a half after Christmas. That doesn't make it easier for you?" Um no you dumb bitch. Nothing will ever make it easier for me. I just sat in the back set of her car crying. Didn't go to my coworker's daughter's wedding yesterday. I have done nothing. Maybe it's a good thing that I go back to work tomorrow after all this vacation. My mind needs to quit wandering all day and get put to use.

I give up

2008-12-30T08:42:00.002-06:00

I had a wonderful post after the IUI, but blogger ate it. I never rewrote it.

Still not pregnant. I'm tired of this crap. I'm tired of the dissapointment, tired of the body ragaved by hormones, the don't even think about touching my boobs, the mood swings, the hope and the let down, the weight i can't get rid of thanks to the contant barage of hormones. I'm tired.

I think I'm going to buy a new dog.

Happy 3rd Birthday Cooper

2008-12-28T11:20:00.002-06:00

It has been 3 long years since you left us. I can't express in words today how much you meant to me and how I miss you.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

I am officially inseminated

2008-12-17T19:28:00.001-06:00

I saw Dr. L today for the first time in forever. He said that T "did brillent" this morning. He had over 22 Million swimmers and they were top rate. Dr. L said I owe T a nice big dinner tonight since he is worth about 4 other men.

The IUI went well and he wrote progesterone suppositories to start next week. So I'm a happy girl!

IUI Tomorrow

2008-12-16T22:03:00.002-06:00

I had my date with Dr. H and the dildo cam today. FINALLY my right ovary is producing an egg. Almost 27mm. Lining was close to 10mm. We couldn't even see my left ovary because it was so far behind my uterus. Stupid ovary!

Dr. H: "Intercourse, insimination or both?"
Me: "What do you think about insimination?"
Dr. H: "I say that you guys have been trying for almost 2 years. Let's go agressive. It's time to really step it up."
Me: "Let's do it."

So tomorrow T has to make his deposit at 8am and I have to be there at 10. Dr. H also mentioned the most uncomfortable thing is the speculm and it is nothing compared to the HSG. Like he would know!

I had a nice relaxing dinner tonight with another angel momma and I'm not going into work until after the dr tomorrow. So I can sleep in a little and be relaxed. Really though, I am so damn excited. Finally the right side!!! It all seems to be in place.

The Woeful Tale of the Pregnancy Tests

2008-12-03T18:32:00.002-06:00

I'm not a rookie at peeing on sticks. Pregnancy tests are pretty much a no brainer, right. Uh, no. These new fangled digital ones are NOT easy to use. They are a pain in the ass.

Today at morning break, I ran to CVS to get tests. The digital ones were 50 cents more, so hey why not. On the way back to the office, I rip open the box and stuff one in my pocket. Try to nonchalantly walk/run to the handicap stall in the bathroom. Pee on the stick. Sit. Sit some more. I'm sure people think I am taking a crap since I am in the handicap stall sitting silently. Sit some more. Isn't this damn thing suppose to say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". All I see is a line. Must be broken. My patience is up. I sneak the contraband back to my desk and put it in my drawer. Maybe I didn't let it simmer long enough. Hmph!

By 11 O'Clock, it's killing me. Something must really be wrong with this test. I sneak back to my car and put out the instructions. At this point I really feel like a man. How many times have I done this and now I am hiding in my car reading the instructions. "Oh.... there is a second piece that I have to slide the stick into." Kinda reminds me of my Clear Never-Worked-Waste-Of-My-Money Easy.

It came with a spare stick (should have been my first clue). I stuff both of these in my pocket and head back to the handicap stall. Click the new stick into the reader thingamajig. Pee on it. Sit there. Tap my foot. Sit some more. Damn it, someone came in. I recognize those shoes. She was in here earlier. I'm going to have to fake a stomach bug or something. Sneak the weapon of mass distraction back to my desk drawer. The damn thing won't stay right side up. I can't just slide open my drawer and see if it's done. Oh, no. It HAS to be more difficult than it already is.

I got distracted with a few phone calls. When I finally look back, I got a freaking error message. You have got to be kidding me???!!! How hard can it be to do a pregnancy test. That's it. At lunch, I'm went to Dollar Tree and got the cheap ass kind like you have to pee in a cup for. Ha! I'll show you stupid test. Try to out smart me now!

Save my pee for all afternoon so I can take the test when I get home. Sit in traffic for an hour while dancing. Get home with my brand new no brainer test. Get my cup and get in the position. Wait a second.... DAMN YOU AUNT FLO!

Small update and my soapbox

2008-12-01T18:17:00.002-06:00

Update:
Tested yesterday - negative. Still sore. Dizzy again today. I'm not testing again until Wednesday. When I was told to test in the first place.

Soapbox:
Petty people are getting on my last nerve. I guess I have been so absorbed in my volunteer work and helping people that have nothing this year. A poor poor guy at my work has a very sick wife. You name an auto-immune out there and she has it. In early September, the family all got the sinus crud. Everyone got well, but mom. Took her to the dr, she's got TB. Put her in the hospital, blood work is all crazy. Come to find out she's got Thyroid Cancer. She had 75% of her thyroid removed in April. They won't do surgery because they don't think she can take it. She just finished round 2 of chemo. Lost 37 pounds, all her hair, etc. He finally comes back to work after being gone for 10 weeks because he found out he isn't getting paid until Jan. They are a single income family with a 13 and 4 yr old. Mom can't take care of the little one any more and they have to put her in day care.

I found out today that there power got turned off this weekend. They went all weekend with no power. It isn't as cold here as up north, but it wasn't a warm weekend either.

What got on my nerves today??? My other co-worker whom I love to death. Her daughter is getting married in a month so I have been cutting her alot of slack. She spent all weekend mudding, painting and staining her dining room so that when people come over for the wedding it looks nice. A) Why in the hell was she mudding the room? She didn't like the texture. B) She is so broke it isn't funny. Seriously broke. Her power isn't getting turned off, but she just got a 2nd loan to finish paying for this wedding because the 1st one went to bills. Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.

Here's were the really cold hearted bitch comes out. My counter part's mom died this weekend. She was 95. Old people, really old. Let her go in peace. Pray that she doesn't suffer. Oh, no. My counter part asks people to pray for a miracle to cure her. I've met this woman and I swear I could see through her. That was 3 years ago.

When an old person is sick and has been sick for a long time, I don't want them to suffer any more. They have lived a good long life and in this instance she was going to a better place.

When someone dies that is young and has so much life let to live, that is tragic. The old person, isn't tragic. Rejoice! They are going home. My perspective, I have been around too much death at all ages lately.

Soapbox is put away for now.

Pure Torture

2008-11-29T19:40:00.003-06:00

It hurts the girls to take off my bra. The seat belt in the car hurts them. And then as if on cue, the dog jumps into bed and I almost throw him against the wall because he lands on them.

Yesterday I was so damn dizzy. We were baking cookies and cookies and more cookies at the Elks Lodge. I was going to take a picture of all the cookies. But no - got dizzy and dropped my camera. I think it's a goner. The lens won't open or shut. Shit.

I plan on testing tomorrow at 12 DPO. All of this torture will be worth a BFP. That's all I want for Christmas.

When can I really POAS?

2008-11-28T09:28:00.002-06:00

I am really praying that these new meds aren't playing mind tricks with me. All of the sudden, my usual prego symptoms hit me. My girls are freaking sensative and I am exhausted. When can I really POAS and know I'm not too early? I'm 10 dpo today.

I feel like I do when I am pregnant but I don't want to test to early.

Shot from hell

2008-11-20T06:57:00.002-06:00

Ok, lasts months HCG shot was no biggie. This month, the nurse at the clinic did it. OMG! That was on Tuesday, I still have a whelp at the injection site. It's really bad because it is right where the waist on my pants hit and it hurts!!!

I swear this nurse was probably 12. I have been giveing myself shots for a month now, I think I can handle one more. Geesss...

I was hoping for better follies this month since the change in drugs. But the lining was way better, so there is my positive.

Last note, I've been on anitobiotics since Saturday for Bronchitis. I've been sleeping in my recliner for a week and finally got to sleep in my bed last night. Not T is starting to get the drainage. Poor boy, he's got work to do! hehehe

Dr. H

2008-11-18T17:59:00.001-06:00

I guess maybe Dr. L is on an extended vacation in Vietname. No telling... Met with Dr. H again today. Right ovary, 16mm follie. Left ovary, 26mm follie. Linging 9.5mm, up from 6.5 last month.

Got my HCG shot today. I go back next Tuesday for P4 levels.

New Meds!

2008-11-08T12:09:00.001-06:00

I had my date with the dildo cam this morning. Met with Dr. H again. No cysts, so we are good to go. We are switching to Femera and adding Menopur this month. We want more than one egg. Super Ovulation. Super Hormones. Super Bitch here we come!

I'm trying really hard to praise You in the storm

2008-11-06T17:15:00.002-06:00

I just got home from the chiropractor - I was soooo out of whack. Before heading home, I swung by CVS to get some tests. Screw dollar store, I want to go somewhere I know for sure has them. Come home, pee on the stick, set it down. OH CRAP, I just started. And just wasted $5 on one stick.

I'm afraid

2008-11-04T22:13:00.002-06:00

I have to get one thing out of the way... I am suppose to POAS on Friday (CD 28). I thought I had more tests at home, I don't. So I stopped at two Dollar stores on my way home and they were both out. WTF! I guess that will keep down the urge to test early. My "twins" have started to get very tender. This could be a good sign.

Tim and I are afraid that our lives are going to really change and not for the better. I'm afraid that the tax reform Obama has spoken of is going to put my company out of business. We are very shaky right now as it is and I don't think we are strong enough to stand up to much more turbulence.

About a month ago, I went over our expenses and income. We could pay all our bills and still eat on one income. Would it be pretty? No, but we could do it. We are thinking of expanding our garden even more. We already took it up to 1200 sq ft this summer. My mom offered to deed me 2 acres. We could expand more, add a cow and chickens if need be.

Tim is so bummed. He's pouting. He said we might have to go pitch our tent and live on those 2 acres when we lose our house. There is nothing we can do to change it. All we can do is hunker down and pray for a quick 4 years.

Great appointment today

2008-10-23T18:59:00.002-05:00

I have shown my goodies to three complete strangers in the past week. WEEK. Today I saw Dr. H instead of Dr.L because Dr. L was on vacation. Dr. H surprised me - he was very young. Kinda reminded me of George from Grey's.

Check the lining, good. Sorry Niki, I didn't ask the measurement.
Check the right ovary, follicle is only 14mm.
Go to check the left ovary (which is the one really high up and I swear Dr. L is going to make the dildo cam come out my nose looking for it). Dr. H was again surprised me and was very gentle. The dildo cam didn't even come close to my tonsils. He found my left ovary is the follicle on that side was 25mm. So I got the green light for my shot.

Go learn how to take my shot. The pharmacy f'd up my injection, so I have to get another script and hunt down the drug. "Oh the Target right across the street has it." That would have been nice to know last week.

Get the meds, drive to work. Half ass hide the box with my shot in it. Run to the bathroom to shoot up. I am officially a junky. Shooting up in the handicap stall at work.

The best part is that we don't have to have sex everynight for a week. Only 3 days. Thank the Lord!

Speaking of thanking the Lord... today when I left my RE's office, I was crying again. They were tears of joy. I have been so sure that I would never get pregnant again and now I see some light. I passed my HSG and now this. Maybe there will be an anniversary baby after all.

Passed my HSG

2008-10-17T12:49:00.002-05:00

Very uncomfortable. I almost crawled off the table. But I passed and I never want to have to do that again.

CD13 Sono on Thursday this week.

Keep on praying!!!!

Not Today Devil

2008-10-14T17:39:00.003-05:00

I'll admit it. I'm a backslider. The last time I was in church (not for a wedding or funeral) was almost 2 years ago. Before that, at least another year. I have however been listening to podcasts of a local church. If it's local, why haven't I gone? Very shameful to say, Tim will HATE this type of church. It's not his familiar Southern Baptist Country church. He needs to get over it.

Anyway, I've been listening to their podcasts and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this pastor. It's like he speaks right at me. Today (while at work) I am listening to Sunday's sermon. I was almost in tears. Everything he described fit me. The topic was spiritual warefare. Not something I ever took very seriously. Not after this sermon. He decribed his own battle with anxiety. Waking up in the middle of the night and thinking, "Where is my daughter? What time did she get home? (she's in college)" or "Does my wife still love me?" or "What if the stock market crashes and I lose my job?" Sound familiar? It did to me. He went on to say that when he let these thoughts and questions penetrate him it pulled him into a dark place. Then instead of what if, it became it will happen.

Last night I was explaining to Tim all that happened at my dr appt and how I feel. I sounded much the same. "I know I'm going to fail my HSG. Then this cycle is off. THen I'll have to have another damn surgery." What happened to my light? My peace? Most of all - my faith?

Honestly, I don't trust in God right now. I have a long list of bad things that have happened in my life. I am a wall builder. The more you hurt me, the bigger my wall gets. I have built a wall around my heart. In doing so, I have kept out the hurt, but also the faith, peace and hope.

I'm working on it. I can't do it alone. If you are a praying person, say an extra one for me. That I will trust in God and that He is in control.

Oh, here's a link to the podcast if you want to listen.

http://dnn.crosstimberschurch.org/Messages/tabid/107/Default.aspx

Hope

2008-10-13T18:28:00.002-05:00

Ha, had you fooled there! That's how I felt today after my sono with my RE. Yes, the cyst is small enough to start treatment. BUT, BUT my left ovary is still MIA. He thinks that somewhere down the line, I will be in for a lapor.. something or other... to fix the damn thing.

I think he's pretty sure I will fail the HSG on Friday. I don't know it wasn't all that positive an appointment. He's rechecking my TSH again. It was in the normal range, but on the high end.

Here's the way I see things playing out in my head.
-Friday - HSG. Fail with drowning colors.
-Next Thursday - Sono. Don't see any follicles growing on the right side. Left side can't be seen. Cycle cancelled. Lap scheduled.

Sounds like fun? So much for having an anniversary baby. So much for being pregant by the end of the year.

This is NOT what I would call "full flow"

2008-10-11T09:14:00.003-05:00

I took my last hormone pill in my BC pack on Sunday night. I figured I would start anywhere from Wednesday to Saturday. Yesterday afternoon, I'm worrking and I get that feeling. I've had alot of false alarms but this seemed like the real deal. YES!!!! AF!!!! I just caught her arrival. Didn't have to wear white panties either. Got my phone to call the clinic, they close at 2:00 on Fridays so I will have to wait until Saturday morning to call.

Come home. Hmmm... That isn't exactly "full flow". I've had cramps and moodiness and the chocolate monster on my back. I usually never spot. Either I'm still spotting or this is the lightest period I have ever had. And no I'm not pregnant so don't start thinking it's implantation spotting.

What the heck? What would you do?

I'm ready

2008-09-27T17:39:00.002-05:00

It's been 2 years, 8 months, 4 weeks and 2 days since Cooper died. His room is the same it was 2 years, 8 months, 4 weeks and 3 days ago. I'm ready to pack it up. It's time and it's a very hard thing to do. Letting go...

One or the other

2008-09-16T20:56:00.002-05:00

I told T today that if I wasn't pregnant by Christmas, he was getting me a new puppy. Our dogs are evenly spaced out, like our children would be. (6, 4 and 2) It is time...

Yet another bad day

2008-09-12T14:15:00.002-05:00

Had my base line sono today. The cyst went from 26 to 18. Still to big so another month of BC. And he thinks my left ovary is messed up with scar tissue because he can barely see it.

I'm tired of today. Going to bedl

I don't have any white pants

2008-09-10T18:46:00.002-05:00

But I do have white panties and I wore them today. That did the trick.

Baseline sono is scheduled for Friday at 8:15 am. It will either be a good day or I will call in sick to work.

I plan on going to my first grief group meeting tomorrow night. And I called the EAP today to get some one-on-one help. My whole life is crazy right now. What does DH ask me today, "How is grief group going to help your focus problem?" Well right now I am focused on 101 dr appointments to get pregnant, so shove that up your ass.

Damn hormones...

Come on Bitch, show your ugly face!

2008-09-09T19:50:00.002-05:00

I double dog dare you! I am tired of carring a tampon in my pocket waiting for you to knock on my door.

Last day of birth control was Friday. Still no period. My acupuncture dr told me to call her when I start. Which I SHOULD HAVE ALREADY.

ok. it's out of my system.

Dreamer

2008-09-03T21:00:00.002-05:00

T and I had a serious heart to heart tonight and I lost it. It all started with money being tight. We need money for IF treatments, we need money to fix my tooth that broke today, we need money to live. Money really is the root of all evil. People are losing their jobs at my work, so I'm worried about how long that will last. We need to save money to compensate for (if I do get pregnant) lengthy bedrest.

I have a side business that I have neglected for a year. It started when my star director was killed in a tragic accident almost exactly a year ago. I got overwhelmed with taking on her team and dealing with her grieving husband. I ended up turning my back on it. I've looked at it from time to time with great intentions of diving back in head first and putting balls to the wall. Yet every time I take a step forward I freeze with fear. What if Suzie thinks I'm stalking her? What is Johnnie thinks I conning him into something bad? What if Jane sees the wonder in it and then something bad happens to our friendship? OY VEY... the what if's stop me where I stand. They freeze me to the core and I can't breathe.

So this current need for money brought to fact that I have been neglecting my side business. T wants me to do something, anything productive. These days I seem to have a hard time keeping the laundry done and put away. Forget going to the gym, forget making phone calls, forget meeting with people. Things have backslid so far, they aren't even on the plate anymore. T sees a problem and I understand where he comes from. At work, you don't mess with me. I am a take charge, multi-tasking Super Man. At home, I want to escape from reality. Maybe that's it all together. My reality doesn't match my dreams. I don't want to face my problems, I want to run away from them.

I don't want to be a dreamer, I want to be a doer. How do I get the motivation to become the doer that I dream of being?

Odds and Ends

2008-08-19T22:22:00.002-05:00

-My acupunture dr said that my tat is in a great spot for fertility. Later I woke myself up snoring. God I hope she didn't hear me through the paper thin walls.

-I have another crazy IF friend that is writing a humorous book about the journey called "The Fertility Fuck Nut." The book opens with a quote from her husband, "If I had know it was going to take this long to knock you up, I wouldn't have tried for years not to." She truely is a Fuck Nut.

-Lately, I've caught up with some friends that have been struggeling with IF. Then I have had the nosey bitches that think I am pg and go on and on about how we are going to be best pregnant friends together. Gag me with a spoon. I couldn't be any less pregnant right now and random people asking me if I am really set me off yesterday.

-I shared Mrs. Spit's blog on Fear. It is one of the best things I have read lately. Then started more of the, "Oh you must be pregnant!" Where in the message did it say anything about being pregnant you nemrod!

-One of my flake friends that I haven't spoken to since January when she finally had the nerve to call me and tell me she was PG and due June 1, left me a message on myspace. Hmmm... Now you miss us. It's been almost a year since I have seen your face. You have bailed on so many invites, I don't invite you anymore. If you say lets do something Friday night, I make other plans. Not to be a bitch, but because I know at 4:30 something always comes up. You want to know how I'm doing. Now. I had to find out via myspace that you had a baby girl. I had to find out via myspace what her name was. I have to find out everything about you via myspace. What kind of friend is that??? Really people. So far I haven't responded. I don't want to come across as super bitch. What/how would you respond?

God when is my new zoloft script going to come in???? WHY GOD?? WHY?

Borrowed from FLY

2008-08-14T20:59:00.002-05:00

Dear Pre-Eclampsia,

In just under 6 weeks time, I will be at the same stage of pregnancy I was at with Charlie where you nearly took my life away from me. I have hated you for 10 years.

You robbed me of almost everything. You denied me a full term baby. You took from me the experience of a completion of cycle. You nearly killed me and then robbed me of the chance to bond with my son. You made it necessary for my son to be all on his own in a big scary special care unit and you made me so ill that I could not have too long with my son that night. Just enough time to undress his hands and feet and count his fingers and toes and cry tears of joy and love and confusion and sickness.I sit here now crying those same tears of joy and love and confusion and sickness. Once you visited my body I felt like you never left. The scars run so very deep despite my bestest efforts to rid my brain of your haunting presence.

The worst thing about you is that nobody knows much about you. There are theories for sure but the people that are vital to giving information whilst pergnant.. they know hardly anything.. i feel i know more about you than them and that is a lonely place to be. It's frightening.

Since that June morning ten years ago when I was diagnosed with Pre-Eclampsia I have spent some years feeling a total and abject failure. I have wept bucket loads of tears over the ghost of the labour i never experienced, for the process of birth that i never even began, for the stark clinical way my son was born into the world and for not being there for him in those first moments. My one recurrant nightmare since a child was of children in a dark tunnel crying for their mummies and you brought that nightmare into grim reality for me and my son and my husband of the time.

Even though my mum and my grandma never experienced you, only through my eyes, my great grandmother was taken from this world because of you we think, and my grandmother's brother was also robbed of his life because of you. You've caused so much worry this year.. for me, for my love and his family, for my family and my son, for my ex husband and his family too and for my friends who were there at that time and the ones I have made since.

When I visualise you as an entity all I can see is utter chaos and confusion which is why I write rather than draw these feelings out. However I cannot hate you entirely because you also gave me the second biggest gift of my life. Love, Life and the ability to fight death gave me my son but you gave me a glimpse of the edge of life. You gave me that night, a choice which even now I can remember as clear as day, through all the cocktail of blood pressure drugs and morphine, I remember that choice and I remember laughing. So you ripped down walls in my vision that night and showed me the direction towards where I am now and for that I must thank you. For without that experience I would be somewhere completely different , living a different life, would not have had half the experiences and met half the people I have done, and not learnt half of the lessons I have done. So I must thankyou for giving me those things and for changing my life from one of existing to one of living.

That living...the choices for good and for bad I have made, all came together to bring to me a wonderful man who loves me for me, who wants the same things as me and who is already a wonderful second dad to Charlie and who will be an amazing daddy to his son that I carry, and to the next child if and when it happens. I had resigned myself to growing old and never experiencing life growing inside of me again but then my life made an abrupt change of direction, forced me to fight many head monsters and let go of many people who were once very dear to me. And in their place, new people came and a new love bigger than i have ever known and a new life growing inside of me. I can hope and pray that you leave my body and my baby alone this time but that would be silly and immature I feel...I know to hope and pray that you do not return would be to undo mountains of work on my part...Having written this I am starting to feel that I am ready for you. I know you. I am scared of you in the sense that I do not want my unborn child to follow the same route of loneliness into the world that his big brother did. But I also know there is nothing I can do to prevent that from happening if this is what life has chosen for us.

Last time I was so very frightened and scared beacuse I didn't know you... but I do now... so I know I can make everything a hell of alot better if you come back. I know how much more assertive I am now and I know there are so many beautiful people very near to us who will be there for Henry should I not make it, and there for Charlie and Lee too. I am not scared of dying myself but my fear is for my unborn child, that your presence may rob us both of life or rob my little man of his Mummy. I cannot afford to dwell in this position of fear because it harms my little man and I cannot afford to lay that blame solely at your door because I have a responsibility to carry your presence, to exorcise your demons and to give thanks for what you have ultimatley given me - the will and enthusiasm to live and to enjoy life for what it is.

So I end this letter with a prayer...
Universe please keep our wise women and men working and writing and bringing their learning and experience to the wider audience of womankind. Please help these women and men give true information to mothers and fathers and assist those special few scientists researching this condition so that they may find the means to bring their important research into general obsetric knowledge.Please give mothers who come to know Pre-Eclampsia, the courage and strength to fight it, with solid information and knowledge and much empathy from the birthing profession.Please give those of us who fight the fear of what is unknown to us, the courage and strength to rise beyond that fear, and accept it with good grace as a gift that we have a responsibility to work with. And please give us the foresight and ability to be able to work with it and help others through in their journeys.

My hope is that these words are as powerful as I think them to be, and that in writing them, they have given me the strength to overcome my fear now as it is presented to me.
With a heart and mind less-troubled
Birthing from Within

I'm thinking about it... I feel the need to write Dear PCOS and Dear Preeclampsia too. I'm thinking...

Plan B or more like Plan S

2008-08-13T16:10:00.003-05:00

We are so far past Plan B at this point I don't even know where to begin.

Plan A would have obviously been to already be holding the child I carried for 8 months.
Plan B was to wait a year and start trying...
Plan C was May 2007...
Plan D was June 2007...
Plan E was July 2007...

Well you get the point.

Plan R was to do injectables this month. WRONG! I went to have my baseline sonogram today (and that is a whole 'nother story) and I have a large cyst and lots of little cysts on my right ovary. Took forever to find the left ovary. He said it is way up there - Isn't that nice! Anyway, not surprised about the little cysts as that is part of the wonderful PCOS. But the large cyst ...oh that large effing cyst....threw a wrench in my plans.

Instead of doing injectables this month, I will be on birth control. 1.2.3. All together now, jump for Joy! Exactly the words I wanted to hear today....

Can you put your body on a performance improvement program??? Seriously...

Tada!

2008-08-05T18:47:00.003-05:00

Looking forward to Tuesday

2008-08-04T17:20:00.003-05:00

I made an acupuncture appointment for tomorrow. I'm excited about it. It's at 10:30 in the morning. Hope it helps my body learn how to work again.

Then I have an appt to get my tattoo. I'll post pictures after ward. I'm getting a bluebonnet on my inner ankle. For a year, I've known what I wanted. I just couldn't figure out where. T started bugging me to make up my mind. He already has Cooper's name on his arm and wants me to catch up so he can get more.

Why a bluebonnet you ask? I'll admit I've become a bit obsessed with them. Even my quilt square for the Preeclampsia Foundation Memorial quilt had a bluebonnet on it. Or my version of one.

Here's the story. My dad always loved bluebonnets, but now they have become symbolic to me. Cooper died at the end of December and when it was spring time we wanted to do something at his grave. We bought 10 packs of seeds and scattered them at his grave. What happened that spring amazed me. It was a really bad season for bluebonnets. You couldn't find them any where. But there was one gigatic patch of them on my son's grave. Seriously, it was huge. I don't know how they continue to grow there. The soil isn't right, there isn't a slope. It's all wrong. But they grow.

Some people might think it is morose to take a picture of a grave. I can't help it. When I see them I think of my son. I think that they are his way of reaching out to me. I know it's silly, but that's how I feel. So ever spring, I wait for the bluebonnets to bloom. Then I run out to the cemetary to take pictures.

Dumb Pregnant People

2008-08-03T23:03:00.004-05:00

Why is it that pregnant people act like I have the plague? Like what I had is contagious and they might get it if they associate with me. It's crazy. I had preeclampsia. MY body failed me, my son and my husband. And it continues to fail me. Don't worry, you can't get what I have. And thank your lucky stars you can't.

If you are pregnant, I can handle it. I can look at pictures and sonograms. I might even ask to hold the baby. Just give me time to adjust and let it sink in. I need time to think about it and digest. Don't take it the wrong way if I don't jump up and down when you tell me how this was a big surprise. Don't take it the wrong way if I don't come to your baby shower.

Welcome to my new blog

2008-08-02T16:37:00.002-05:00

I just want to get away from everyone that knows me in the real world and escape into the cyber world. Where I am free to express my feelings and not worry about who is reading them and will get upset. I want to be able to write about my infertility and get it off my chest. Not many people know we are TTC. Just my online friends. And I love you ladies for listening to me!