Sunday, January 4, 2009

"Merry" and "Christmas" Don't go together

For some reason, I can get Merry and Christmas to come out of my mouth together. The same goes for Happy New Year. My Christmas wasn't merry and my new year isn't happy. Today my dad's side of the family is having their Christmas. I did the chicken shit thing and dropped my gifts on my mom's door step at 7am so they will take them for me. I feel bad for not going, but I know that going will put me in even a darker place.

The past week and a half has been non stop crap. CRAP! I have been so busy up until Dec 21 that I didn't have a chance to really stop and think. Once that was over, it all started to hit me and fast. Christmas. Crap! We went to my mom's just so I wouldn't get the guilt trip later. I tried really hard to get my timing right so that all the little kids wouldn't be there when I was. Well that didn't happen. When we turned down the street, I could see the cars in the driveway. I just sunk in the seat. Damn I sure didn't want to be there now. Luckily, T and I were really running late and only stayed for about 45 min. Thank GOD! Then T's dad came over for dinner after that. It was nice and relaxing. The food was great and there was no talk of kiddos.

Friday after T got off work, we went out to our friend's farm. She is an angel mommy too and we both were in a mood to ignore Christmas all together. We were just going to stay Friday night and play Saturday. But we were really enjoying the peacefulness and stayed Saturday night too. We were staying at an old farm house that had a screened in porch that was at least 1000 sq ft. That is where we slept. They have 4 beds on the porch with electric blankets and the screens are covered with plexi glass for the winter. Sunday morning we woke to be most amazing sunrise. There are two things we do really well in Texas - sunrises and sunsets.
Amazing, isn't it? We went home, took showers and I headed into town to get balloons and pick up my dog. While I was picking up the dog, one of the balloons busted. I was sitting in my mom's driveway fighting back the tears. After I got home and at lunch, I passed out until about 5:00. Tim woke me up so we could go to the cemetery. This year, I really felt in shock. Still so numb and in disbelief that this happened to us. That isn't my son in the ground. We aren't visiting his grave. It is all a really bad dream and I will wake up soon.


Tuesday was the day I poas and got another BFN. When T asked what the next step was, I said probably surgery (he's ready to go IVF). Why? Because my left ovary is stuck to be back of my uterus because of all the scar tissue. I think it needs to be fixed. Without it being fixed, every month is a gamble on what side I will ovulate off of. Oct was left side, Nov was left side, Dec was right side. I feel like those months were wasted, like I didn't even have a chance.

I had already been crying that morning and when I explained all this to T, he exploded and punched a hole in the closet door. I lost it sobbing hysterically. This is my fault. My body won't work. My body has let us down for 3 years now. My body killed our son. I think he quickly realized how his actions made me feel.

I guess all this lead up to me being chicken shit today. After I left my mom's house, I went and ran errands. Let me tell you - there is no one at Walmart at 7:30 on Sunday morning. I cried all morning. I could stop for long enough to get to my next place, get in, get out and loose it again. Last year I got the biggest guilt trip to go to Christmas. On Friday this week, my mom and I got into it. She is so dense. "Well, it's a week and a half after Christmas. That doesn't make it easier for you?" Um no you dumb bitch. Nothing will ever make it easier for me. I just sat in the back set of her car crying. Didn't go to my coworker's daughter's wedding yesterday. I have done nothing. Maybe it's a good thing that I go back to work tomorrow after all this vacation. My mind needs to quit wandering all day and get put to use.


Jamie said...

I am so sorryt hat you have to continue to deal with intense pain and stupid people and that neither of them will ever go away. You remain in my thoughts and prayers always!! Remember, I am not far away if you ever need me.

Donna said...

I'm sorry this comment is belated and that your holidays were so hard. I know the frustration and longing for something that just doesn't seem to happen. I'm sending you big cyber hugs. I hope your new year turns out to be so much better for you.