I'm just that boring!

I realized I haven't posted much at all lately. Twice in one day, oh my! Kinda have a lot on my mind.

Now that we aren't going through fertility treatments, there doesn't seem to be that much going on in my life. I get up, go to work, roll my eyes at my boss and say a few choice words after I hang up the phone, come home, read a little, go to bed and start all over. There are no crazy dr appointments or shots or nerves on edge.

My dear friend and former coworker recently told me she was pregnant. We relate on a different level because she suffered 7 years of fertility treatments. And when her adoption fell through this spring, I felt her pain of losing that child and dream. I'd like to think I was the most excited person for her news. I know she is terrified still of the what ifs. But if there is anyone I know deserves it, it's her.

Last week we had this long chat via IM. We talked about how stressful the job is and how we are both alike with our Type A personalities that take ownership and pride in our work. She told me how she thinks that getting layed off and what helped her relax enough to get pregnant. She asks me flat out when I'm going to quit my job. It's a realization that I have accepted to myself some time ago. That I won't get pregnant working where I'm at and that I won't have a successful pregnancy either.

I'm kinda at a crossroads. I love what I do and who I work for. My boss has become a true mentor and in someways a stand in dad. At what price do I stay there? To get out of debt and have a bigger home? What's the point of having all that if I don't have a family to share it with? Is having a family worth keeping this job? These are things I haven't even discussed with my husband. But I feel them buried deep down inside. In the end, what if I leave my job and I still end up childless?

I'm very tired of being the one that doesn't fit in. Over the summer, we have been hanging out with a different group of friends. I really enjoy this group. There aren't any kids running around or even being discussed, we are married or in a committed relationship, all have jobs and enjoy relaxing. We are all pretty much at the same stage in life. Still I feel I don't fit. I yearn for something else. I've had something else but it was taken from me.

On Easter Sunday, we visited our friends church and went with them to Sunday School. I really enjoyed the topic of the class, but again felt out of place. It was a class of young marrieds, most with families except for the couple most recently married. As we go around the room, everyone shares their jobs and brags on their kids. Then it's our turn. I stare at my hands, not really sure what to say. T feels my hesitation and grabs my hand. He introduces us to the class without a mention of Cooper, but he squeezes my hand in acknowledgement of the pain just underneath.

Reading

I've been doing alot of reading lately. I guess it's nice to get lost in someone else's life.

It started with Twilight. I was hell bent I wasn't reading this book and that everyone was insane for getting so caught up with it. Then I started it on our trip to New Orleans. Read the entire thick 4-book set in a week. And then immediately read it again. What's wrong with me??? I finally understand the insanity. He says all the right lines. Pulls on the strings of your heart. And then there is the familiarity. Having a pregnancy that ends in abruption and dang near kills you. Yeah, I've been there and I see a little bit of my own story wrapped in there. The raw grief of losing someone so close to you that your life stops.

"And yet, I found I could survive....I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it." Exactly how I feel.

Two of my girlfriends have read the series AND their husbands. First, T doesn't read for fun. He's taking too many classes where he has to read. And I think he would hurt me when he got to the abruption part for encouraging him.

Now I'm almost done with My Sister's Keeper. Again, friend recommended it. Again, I relate. I relate to loosing a child. I relate to the silent moments that find their way into your marriage. When you look at your spouse and realize how much life has changed you. You aren't the same person you where when you married, but neither is he. I relate to wanting to do anything, anything to save your child's life. We'll see how it ends. I'll probably finish it tonight.

Where to Find Money Saving Ideas

Southern Savers is probably my most favorite coupon site. She organizes things so well. I just run through her lists, grab my coupons and go.

Hot Coupon World would be by next fav site. They list alot more stores, have a coupon database, just not as organized.

I Heart CVS is great. Don't know how they do it, but they have tons of future ads so you know what is going to be on sale.

Those are my top 3. I started couponing because we were flat broke. Now that we have been doing it for a while, we have a nice stock pile of groceries, first aid supplies and health & beauty aids. Plus a freezer full of food. FULL. The extra money we save goes towards paying off debt. It's become a game. Why would I want to pay full price for anything????

On a sideish not, Kroger is having an AWESOME deal on Saturday that I am going to miss out on. I won't complain too long, because I will be spending the weekend in New Orleans. Lots of pictures coming next week!

Texas Heat

I got this today and it is dead on.

Dear Diary

Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here..

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body).. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon.The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits.I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now,$225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one.Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work,the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire.My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do Shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?"My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.Freaking Texas .What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

Will write later to let you know

What to say or do

Not sure I've post this here but there is this list of what to say or do when a baby dies. Is there one for facing infertiles? If not, let's make one.

Yes, I'm still up writing a letter to my mother. I'll let you know how that goes.

Damage I did today

I spent yesterday at my friends farm enjoying some peace. Then this morning did my weekly shopping run. I think I did pretty darn good.

Kroger -
Total before coupons and sales: $87.88
Total Spent: $52.63
Total Saved: $35.25 or 40%
Non sale items included Koolaid for the niece, Ocean Spray to go for the hubs, 4 lbs of Strawberries, 4 lbs of Carrots and more hummus for hubs.

Target-
Total before coupons and sales: $87.23
Total Spent: $49.90Total Saved: $37.33 or 43%
This included a 20lb bag of dog food and a 24 ct of Zyrtec.

Petsmart -Total before coupons and sales: $28.79
Total Spent: $23.79Total Saved: $5 or 17%

And now for the drum roll please.....

CVS-
Total before coupons and sales: $229.00
Total Spent: $14.58Total Saved: $214.42 or 94%
AND Remaining ECBs: $41.47
Anybody need a blood glucose meter??? I'm starting a collection of them and I don't need them.

Total Damage for today-
Total before coupons and sales: $432.90
Total Spent: $140.90
Total Saved: $292.00 or 67.5%

And my mom is still an idiot. That hasn't changed in 2 days.

First Draft - Cooper's Story

The Preeclampsia Foundation is doing a book of stories for Saving Grace this year. This is my first draft of Cooper's story. I had to chop it down alot to fit the 500 word maximum.

Comments? Suggestions?

December 28, 2005 was the day that changed our lives forever. I was sleeping on the couch while watching TV. At 3:30 the TV woke me up. I turned it off and went to bed. As I got into bed, I realized my stomach was hurting a little bit. As I lay there sipping my water and watching the clock, I am waiting for the pain to subside. This being my first child, I am thinking that a contraction has to subside at some point, right? It was 4:45 by the time we got to the hospital and the nurses were hooking me up to the monitors. They put the Doppler on my stomach, silence. Moved it around, silence. Brought in another machine, silence. I knew this wasn't good. They started prepping me for an emergency c-section. I remember my husband calling my mom in the corner of the room. He had no idea what was going on, but I did.

The nurses literally ran me to the OR. Not a minute after I was on the operating table the doctor on call came in. She sat me up and told me they couldn't find a heartbeat. As the nurse helped me back into bed, I could see the tears on her face. About the time the epidural was done, my vitals started to plunge. I remember hearing my doctor slapping me on the legs and yelling at me to breathe. I was rushed back to the OR for a c-section. The placenta had completely separated from my uterus.

Hours later, I was still having problems. I was rushed back into the operating room. I do remember my doctor telling me that they were going back in to check for more bleeding. They were unable to keep me stable. If my uterus was still bleeding and they were not able to stop it, they might have to do a hysterectomy. I remember saying whatever needs to be done. I didn't want to die at 23. The next thing I remember was waking up in ICU the next day. When they let my husband come back to see me, I found out that I undergone two surgeries to save my life. I had to have 13 units of blood and countless units of platelets.

I did get to see and hold my son that afternoon. He was beautiful, wrapped in a white blanket with a blue stocking cap on his head. He had huge hands and dark hair. We left with empty arms.

All together I spent 5 days in ICU and 4 more days in post-op. My doctor stayed next to my side for 18 hours that first day. Three days after I got home from the hospital, we buried our son next to my dad. That was the hardest thing to do, letting go of all of our dreams and hopes for our son and family.