Saturday, April 4, 2009

I shouldn't blog when I'm crying

It all comes out as gibberish. I have a clear mind today and can make words form sentences.

Why am I so hurt by my sister's pregnancy?
My sister is the only person in my family that I have told about our fertility treatments. In November, I stopped updating her on my treatments because it was all getting back to my mom. I have felt very isolated and even more so now.

I was told of her last pregnancy days before my first mother's day. Of course neither her or my mom realized that until yesterday. It couldn't have been more poorly timed. The week after breaking the news, she went for her first dr appointment. She was already half way through her pregnancy and had never stepped foot in an ob's office. Because the ob had no history to compare her trends, she was monitored closely. She did develop preeclampsia in that pregnancy. Here it is again and she still hasn't seen an OB.

Just like last time, she is far enough along that my mom guessed she was pregnant. Just like last time, she still hadn't told the father. At least she is married this time.

No health insurance, not until May 1. Is that why she hadn't gone to the dr??? Is that why she wasn't taking birth control? This wasn't a planned pregnancy. Lots of people don't have insurance, they still find a way to take care of things.

She isn't responsible enough to think past herself and think of the health of her child. Why on earth would she get pregnant again? Oh wait, it's because she isn't responsible.

I really don't know what to say to her. I was so supportive of her last pregnancy and it killed me. It was only months after we lost Cooper. I can't support her stupidity. I really am struggling with this.

Remind me again, why she can have such a lax attitude towards pregnancy and I would die to be pregnant again? I did our taxes a few weeks ago. We spent close to $4,000 out of pocket on dr visits and meds last year. All trying to get pregnant.

I feel once again like I have been kicked in the teeth. Like I can't be happy. I was really looking forward to this next round of treatments. I feel like the surgery is going to make a difference. Now, I just don't know. I feel really numb, but at the same time just want it to be my turn.


Jamie said...

I don't even know what to say except this sucks in more ways than I can even count. It isn't fair and I am so sorry you have to endure this pain!!

Niki said...

Oh Nic, this just plain sucks! You NEED to do what is best for you. From someone who's struggled for years with IF I have learned that to be honest with my friends and family when it comes to pregnancy and babies. I can't handle being around them or hearing about it, so I do what I need to do to protect myself. They seem to understand. Have you thought about trying to explain it to your sister?

Uggh, it's like insult to injury to look at the IF bills isn't it?! I used to get so mad about how much I was having to spend to have a baby when my teenage students were popping kids out right and left. It's not fair!

I just wish it were easier for us. Many hugs and strength to you.

Donna said...

Nicole - I'm so sorry! After years and years of TTC self preservation is the key. I agree with Niki - be honest and tell her how you feel. She might not like it - but at least you won't be seething with anger any more. Take care of yourself first!

Jen said...

Oh Nic, I am so sorry. This does suck. Hugs to you.

niobe said...

What an awful and incredibly painful situation. Of course, it hurts you. Thinking of you.