Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Dreamer

T and I had a serious heart to heart tonight and I lost it. It all started with money being tight. We need money for IF treatments, we need money to fix my tooth that broke today, we need money to live. Money really is the root of all evil. People are losing their jobs at my work, so I'm worried about how long that will last. We need to save money to compensate for (if I do get pregnant) lengthy bedrest.

I have a side business that I have neglected for a year. It started when my star director was killed in a tragic accident almost exactly a year ago. I got overwhelmed with taking on her team and dealing with her grieving husband. I ended up turning my back on it. I've looked at it from time to time with great intentions of diving back in head first and putting balls to the wall. Yet every time I take a step forward I freeze with fear. What if Suzie thinks I'm stalking her? What is Johnnie thinks I conning him into something bad? What if Jane sees the wonder in it and then something bad happens to our friendship? OY VEY... the what if's stop me where I stand. They freeze me to the core and I can't breathe.

So this current need for money brought to fact that I have been neglecting my side business. T wants me to do something, anything productive. These days I seem to have a hard time keeping the laundry done and put away. Forget going to the gym, forget making phone calls, forget meeting with people. Things have backslid so far, they aren't even on the plate anymore. T sees a problem and I understand where he comes from. At work, you don't mess with me. I am a take charge, multi-tasking Super Man. At home, I want to escape from reality. Maybe that's it all together. My reality doesn't match my dreams. I don't want to face my problems, I want to run away from them.

I don't want to be a dreamer, I want to be a doer. How do I get the motivation to become the doer that I dream of being?

2 comments:

Jen said...

I wish I knew the answer! I used to be such a doer at home too. Now, we are lucky to have clean clothes to wear everyday.

And I so feel you on the money situation...I feel so much pressure to save money (money we don't have to save) for bedrest if we ever get to that point!

Hugs!

Niki said...

Nic, I don't really have any answers, but wanted to swing by to give you ((hugs))! I completely understand the financial strains of IF. We've been saving for potential bedrest too and it's tough when you're paying for all things related to IF (IVF, acupuncture).

I used to be a "do it" girl too, but now struggle with the same things you do. I literally force myself to get household stuff done. You are not alone my dear. Many hugs to you!