Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Not Today Devil

I'll admit it. I'm a backslider. The last time I was in church (not for a wedding or funeral) was almost 2 years ago. Before that, at least another year. I have however been listening to podcasts of a local church. If it's local, why haven't I gone? Very shameful to say, Tim will HATE this type of church. It's not his familiar Southern Baptist Country church. He needs to get over it.

Anyway, I've been listening to their podcasts and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this pastor. It's like he speaks right at me. Today (while at work) I am listening to Sunday's sermon. I was almost in tears. Everything he described fit me. The topic was spiritual warefare. Not something I ever took very seriously. Not after this sermon. He decribed his own battle with anxiety. Waking up in the middle of the night and thinking, "Where is my daughter? What time did she get home? (she's in college)" or "Does my wife still love me?" or "What if the stock market crashes and I lose my job?" Sound familiar? It did to me. He went on to say that when he let these thoughts and questions penetrate him it pulled him into a dark place. Then instead of what if, it became it will happen.

Last night I was explaining to Tim all that happened at my dr appt and how I feel. I sounded much the same. "I know I'm going to fail my HSG. Then this cycle is off. THen I'll have to have another damn surgery." What happened to my light? My peace? Most of all - my faith?

Honestly, I don't trust in God right now. I have a long list of bad things that have happened in my life. I am a wall builder. The more you hurt me, the bigger my wall gets. I have built a wall around my heart. In doing so, I have kept out the hurt, but also the faith, peace and hope.

I'm working on it. I can't do it alone. If you are a praying person, say an extra one for me. That I will trust in God and that He is in control.

Oh, here's a link to the podcast if you want to listen.



Cara said...

Nicole - I am a praying person. Sending a few your way.

FYI - I didn't see a link. But I'd love to listen.

Nicole said...


Sorry about that!

Jamie said...

I believe in prayer and in restored faith. I'll be sending some to heaven with your name on them.

Travelwahine said...

Nicole, I'm a praying person. I will be praying for you.