Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Woeful Tale of the Pregnancy Tests

I'm not a rookie at peeing on sticks. Pregnancy tests are pretty much a no brainer, right. Uh, no. These new fangled digital ones are NOT easy to use. They are a pain in the ass.

Today at morning break, I ran to CVS to get tests. The digital ones were 50 cents more, so hey why not. On the way back to the office, I rip open the box and stuff one in my pocket. Try to nonchalantly walk/run to the handicap stall in the bathroom. Pee on the stick. Sit. Sit some more. I'm sure people think I am taking a crap since I am in the handicap stall sitting silently. Sit some more. Isn't this damn thing suppose to say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". All I see is a line. Must be broken. My patience is up. I sneak the contraband back to my desk and put it in my drawer. Maybe I didn't let it simmer long enough. Hmph!

By 11 O'Clock, it's killing me. Something must really be wrong with this test. I sneak back to my car and put out the instructions. At this point I really feel like a man. How many times have I done this and now I am hiding in my car reading the instructions. "Oh.... there is a second piece that I have to slide the stick into." Kinda reminds me of my Clear Never-Worked-Waste-Of-My-Money Easy.

It came with a spare stick (should have been my first clue). I stuff both of these in my pocket and head back to the handicap stall. Click the new stick into the reader thingamajig. Pee on it. Sit there. Tap my foot. Sit some more. Damn it, someone came in. I recognize those shoes. She was in here earlier. I'm going to have to fake a stomach bug or something. Sneak the weapon of mass distraction back to my desk drawer. The damn thing won't stay right side up. I can't just slide open my drawer and see if it's done. Oh, no. It HAS to be more difficult than it already is.

I got distracted with a few phone calls. When I finally look back, I got a freaking error message. You have got to be kidding me???!!! How hard can it be to do a pregnancy test. That's it. At lunch, I'm went to Dollar Tree and got the cheap ass kind like you have to pee in a cup for. Ha! I'll show you stupid test. Try to out smart me now!

Save my pee for all afternoon so I can take the test when I get home. Sit in traffic for an hour while dancing. Get home with my brand new no brainer test. Get my cup and get in the position. Wait a second.... DAMN YOU AUNT FLO!


Cara said...

Oh- that broke my heart. So sorry for all your frustration and energy spent.

Anonymous said...

Ack! I'm sorry!

Niki said...

So sorry Nic! ((HUGS))

Travelwahine said...

Darnit. Aunt Flow go away.

I'm sorry she came. Maybe the whole pregnancy stick mishaps were a good thing, I don't think there's anything worse than a single line or a NOT PREGNANT on those things, they're deflating to the spirit.


Melissa said...

Hey Nicole.

I have been thinking about you. December SUCKS! I am so sorry about stinking AF! I hope she goes away after this and doesn't come back for a very long time.

Thinking about you these next couple of weeks. Here we go again!