Blog post to keep track of our journey and move it off the sidebar.
10/26/02: Married T
1/2/04: Got BFP
1/17/04: Miscarried
February 05: Started TTC #2
5/30/05: Got BFP!
9/19/05: Found out we were having a boy
12/23/05: Put on bedrest for Preeclampsia
12/28/05: The day our lives changed forever
1/1/06: Released from ICU
1/7/06: Released from hospital
1/9/06: Buried my son
April 07: Started TTC #3
April 08: 100mg Clomid
May 08: 150mg Clomid
June 08: 150mg Clomid
7/30/08: First RE Appt
August 08: Cycle cancelled - cyst
September 08: Cycle Cancelled - cyst
October 08: 150mg Clomid + HCG
November 08: 150 Femera, Menopur + HCG trigger
December 08: 150 Femera, Menopur + HCG Trigger and IUI
January 09: 150 Femera, Menopur + HCG Trigger and IUI
February 09: 150 Femera, Menopur + HCG Trigger and IUI
March 13, 2009: Laproscopy and ovarian drilling
May 09: Clomid, Menopur, Dex + HCG Trigger and IUI
June 09: Clomid, Menopur, Dex + HCG Trigger and IUI
July 09: Taking a break
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
A few natural remedies for fellow sufferers
Got a cold? Feeling like crud?
Try Oil of Oregano Capsules.
Having muscle spasms or cramps?
Try Magnesium.
You just hurt all over? Lower back pain? Need some ibuprofen?
Use Fish Oil instead. I highly recommend Melaleuca's Omega 3 Fish Oil. It is citrus flavored so there is no fishy aftertaste. I can show you how to get some. Plus it's good for your heart!
Try Oil of Oregano Capsules.
Having muscle spasms or cramps?
Try Magnesium.
You just hurt all over? Lower back pain? Need some ibuprofen?
Use Fish Oil instead. I highly recommend Melaleuca's Omega 3 Fish Oil. It is citrus flavored so there is no fishy aftertaste. I can show you how to get some. Plus it's good for your heart!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Another date with the dildo cam
Today, I got it twice. First the nurse, then Dr. L. The nurse was nice, she tried and tried to find that bastard left ovary. Dr. L comes in and says, "See you have to push harder to find that little bastard." I felt like the man was trying to find my tonsils, not my bastard ovary.
Quick run down after the probing. Last month's progesterone was 17, month before that almost 10. Much much better. Surgery? Not yet. He said I had a perfect cycle, just didn't get pregnant. Let's try the same thing this month, start Menopur today instead of waiting until day 7. We hope for lots of follies this month. I am praying that something will grow on the right side. Please lord, not the left side.
If this month still doesn't work, then surgery.
On a very side note, work was hell today. Which was a good thing, it kept my mind on work. Talked to my pampered chef lady today on the way home. Party Time!!! Jan 29th.
Quick run down after the probing. Last month's progesterone was 17, month before that almost 10. Much much better. Surgery? Not yet. He said I had a perfect cycle, just didn't get pregnant. Let's try the same thing this month, start Menopur today instead of waiting until day 7. We hope for lots of follies this month. I am praying that something will grow on the right side. Please lord, not the left side.
If this month still doesn't work, then surgery.
On a very side note, work was hell today. Which was a good thing, it kept my mind on work. Talked to my pampered chef lady today on the way home. Party Time!!! Jan 29th.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
A Poem - "Wait"
WAIT
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.
"Merry" and "Christmas" Don't go together
For some reason, I can get Merry and Christmas to come out of my mouth together. The same goes for Happy New Year. My Christmas wasn't merry and my new year isn't happy. Today my dad's side of the family is having their Christmas. I did the chicken shit thing and dropped my gifts on my mom's door step at 7am so they will take them for me. I feel bad for not going, but I know that going will put me in even a darker place.
The past week and a half has been non stop crap. CRAP! I have been so busy up until Dec 21 that I didn't have a chance to really stop and think. Once that was over, it all started to hit me and fast. Christmas. Crap! We went to my mom's just so I wouldn't get the guilt trip later. I tried really hard to get my timing right so that all the little kids wouldn't be there when I was. Well that didn't happen. When we turned down the street, I could see the cars in the driveway. I just sunk in the seat. Damn I sure didn't want to be there now. Luckily, T and I were really running late and only stayed for about 45 min. Thank GOD! Then T's dad came over for dinner after that. It was nice and relaxing. The food was great and there was no talk of kiddos.
Friday after T got off work, we went out to our friend's farm. She is an angel mommy too and we both were in a mood to ignore Christmas all together. We were just going to stay Friday night and play Saturday. But we were really enjoying the peacefulness and stayed Saturday night too. We were staying at an old farm house that had a screened in porch that was at least 1000 sq ft. That is where we slept. They have 4 beds on the porch with electric blankets and the screens are covered with plexi glass for the winter. Sunday morning we woke to be most amazing sunrise. There are two things we do really well in Texas - sunrises and sunsets.
Amazing, isn't it?
We went home, took showers and I headed into town to get balloons and pick up my dog. While I was picking up the dog, one of the balloons busted. I was sitting in my mom's driveway fighting back the tears. After I got home and at lunch, I passed out until about 5:00. Tim woke me up so we could go to the cemetery. This year, I really felt in shock. Still so numb and in disbelief that this happened to us. That isn't my son in the ground. We aren't visiting his grave. It is all a really bad dream and I will wake up soon.
NOT!
Tuesday was the day I poas and got another BFN. When T asked what the next step was, I said probably surgery (he's ready to go IVF). Why? Because my left ovary is stuck to be back of my uterus because of all the scar tissue. I think it needs to be fixed. Without it being fixed, every month is a gamble on what side I will ovulate off of. Oct was left side, Nov was left side, Dec was right side. I feel like those months were wasted, like I didn't even have a chance.
I had already been crying that morning and when I explained all this to T, he exploded and punched a hole in the closet door. I lost it sobbing hysterically. This is my fault. My body won't work. My body has let us down for 3 years now. My body killed our son. I think he quickly realized how his actions made me feel.
I guess all this lead up to me being chicken shit today. After I left my mom's house, I went and ran errands. Let me tell you - there is no one at Walmart at 7:30 on Sunday morning. I cried all morning. I could stop for long enough to get to my next place, get in, get out and loose it again. Last year I got the biggest guilt trip to go to Christmas. On Friday this week, my mom and I got into it. She is so dense. "Well, it's a week and a half after Christmas. That doesn't make it easier for you?" Um no you dumb bitch. Nothing will ever make it easier for me. I just sat in the back set of her car crying. Didn't go to my coworker's daughter's wedding yesterday. I have done nothing. Maybe it's a good thing that I go back to work tomorrow after all this vacation. My mind needs to quit wandering all day and get put to use.
The past week and a half has been non stop crap. CRAP! I have been so busy up until Dec 21 that I didn't have a chance to really stop and think. Once that was over, it all started to hit me and fast. Christmas. Crap! We went to my mom's just so I wouldn't get the guilt trip later. I tried really hard to get my timing right so that all the little kids wouldn't be there when I was. Well that didn't happen. When we turned down the street, I could see the cars in the driveway. I just sunk in the seat. Damn I sure didn't want to be there now. Luckily, T and I were really running late and only stayed for about 45 min. Thank GOD! Then T's dad came over for dinner after that. It was nice and relaxing. The food was great and there was no talk of kiddos.
Friday after T got off work, we went out to our friend's farm. She is an angel mommy too and we both were in a mood to ignore Christmas all together. We were just going to stay Friday night and play Saturday. But we were really enjoying the peacefulness and stayed Saturday night too. We were staying at an old farm house that had a screened in porch that was at least 1000 sq ft. That is where we slept. They have 4 beds on the porch with electric blankets and the screens are covered with plexi glass for the winter. Sunday morning we woke to be most amazing sunrise. There are two things we do really well in Texas - sunrises and sunsets.
Amazing, isn't it?
We went home, took showers and I headed into town to get balloons and pick up my dog. While I was picking up the dog, one of the balloons busted. I was sitting in my mom's driveway fighting back the tears. After I got home and at lunch, I passed out until about 5:00. Tim woke me up so we could go to the cemetery. This year, I really felt in shock. Still so numb and in disbelief that this happened to us. That isn't my son in the ground. We aren't visiting his grave. It is all a really bad dream and I will wake up soon.NOT!
Tuesday was the day I poas and got another BFN. When T asked what the next step was, I said probably surgery (he's ready to go IVF). Why? Because my left ovary is stuck to be back of my uterus because of all the scar tissue. I think it needs to be fixed. Without it being fixed, every month is a gamble on what side I will ovulate off of. Oct was left side, Nov was left side, Dec was right side. I feel like those months were wasted, like I didn't even have a chance.
I had already been crying that morning and when I explained all this to T, he exploded and punched a hole in the closet door. I lost it sobbing hysterically. This is my fault. My body won't work. My body has let us down for 3 years now. My body killed our son. I think he quickly realized how his actions made me feel.
I guess all this lead up to me being chicken shit today. After I left my mom's house, I went and ran errands. Let me tell you - there is no one at Walmart at 7:30 on Sunday morning. I cried all morning. I could stop for long enough to get to my next place, get in, get out and loose it again. Last year I got the biggest guilt trip to go to Christmas. On Friday this week, my mom and I got into it. She is so dense. "Well, it's a week and a half after Christmas. That doesn't make it easier for you?" Um no you dumb bitch. Nothing will ever make it easier for me. I just sat in the back set of her car crying. Didn't go to my coworker's daughter's wedding yesterday. I have done nothing. Maybe it's a good thing that I go back to work tomorrow after all this vacation. My mind needs to quit wandering all day and get put to use.
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