I realized I haven't posted much at all lately. Twice in one day, oh my! Kinda have a lot on my mind.
Now that we aren't going through fertility treatments, there doesn't seem to be that much going on in my life. I get up, go to work, roll my eyes at my boss and say a few choice words after I hang up the phone, come home, read a little, go to bed and start all over. There are no crazy dr appointments or shots or nerves on edge.
My dear friend and former coworker recently told me she was pregnant. We relate on a different level because she suffered 7 years of fertility treatments. And when her adoption fell through this spring, I felt her pain of losing that child and dream. I'd like to think I was the most excited person for her news. I know she is terrified still of the what ifs. But if there is anyone I know deserves it, it's her.
Last week we had this long chat via IM. We talked about how stressful the job is and how we are both alike with our Type A personalities that take ownership and pride in our work. She told me how she thinks that getting layed off and what helped her relax enough to get pregnant. She asks me flat out when I'm going to quit my job. It's a realization that I have accepted to myself some time ago. That I won't get pregnant working where I'm at and that I won't have a successful pregnancy either.
I'm kinda at a crossroads. I love what I do and who I work for. My boss has become a true mentor and in someways a stand in dad. At what price do I stay there? To get out of debt and have a bigger home? What's the point of having all that if I don't have a family to share it with? Is having a family worth keeping this job? These are things I haven't even discussed with my husband. But I feel them buried deep down inside. In the end, what if I leave my job and I still end up childless?
I'm very tired of being the one that doesn't fit in. Over the summer, we have been hanging out with a different group of friends. I really enjoy this group. There aren't any kids running around or even being discussed, we are married or in a committed relationship, all have jobs and enjoy relaxing. We are all pretty much at the same stage in life. Still I feel I don't fit. I yearn for something else. I've had something else but it was taken from me.
On Easter Sunday, we visited our friends church and went with them to Sunday School. I really enjoyed the topic of the class, but again felt out of place. It was a class of young marrieds, most with families except for the couple most recently married. As we go around the room, everyone shares their jobs and brags on their kids. Then it's our turn. I stare at my hands, not really sure what to say. T feels my hesitation and grabs my hand. He introduces us to the class without a mention of Cooper, but he squeezes my hand in acknowledgement of the pain just underneath.