It is amazing the amount of self talk that you have going through your head with trying to conceive. Or maybe it's me and the fact that I feel there is so much at stake. One miscarriage, one still birth, 2.5 years of previously TTC and now 9 months this time TTC. There are only a handful of people that I know in real life that are in the circle of trust about us trying again. I love my friends to pieces, but none of them have been in my shoes. There are some that have had the crazy traumatic preeclampsia pregnancies so they get that part, but not the rest. Not the losing a child. Not the losing a dream. Not the strangle on your marriage. I feel like I am drowning them in my empty uterus drama and so I am picking up my blog again.
What has brought us to this point you ask? Let's back up almost a year ago...
In October last year, I was awarded with volunteer of the year for a non-profit group that I spend entirely too much time volunteering for. Then again, I have no kids at home to take care of, play with or raise so I spend time volunteering. It is beyond drinking the koolaid and moved into swimming in the koolaid.
Part of winning this award, included a trip for the annual fundraiser gala that my volunteer sisters meet up at every year. We decided to hang for a few more days since we live all over the country and only see each other at this event every year. One evening while sitting a neighborhood bar with B and her husband, we are talking about kids. B had a crazy pregnancy herself ending with code blue seizures and has a healthy 8 year old son. Her husband asks me if we would try again. I tell him that I see my husband interact with other kids and I know he would make a great dad. I want to give that to him but I am terrified.
See my marriage has gone through the wringer. We have to really work at communication because when we get mad, we don't yell or argue. We shut up and build walls. So while I am having this conversation several hundred miles from home, my husband is having the same one with our friends unbeknownst to me.
Fast forward another month and we have been kicking around the idea of buying a new house. Back and forth because we are really comfortable with our payments and living debt free except for our mortgage. Yes, my house drives me crazy on a daily basis but my payments are ridiculously low. One Friday night, while sitting around a bonfire enjoying some beverages and the stars my husband pops off. "I would rather have a kid than have a new house." Oh really.... I know there was a stupid grin on my face and a little tear in my eye. I still want to give that to him but have honestly been a chicken shit to bring it up. Now that the top is off, it's not going back on. For some insane reason or maybe just to ease into things, I want to see if my body will actually function like it should and decide to try naturally for 6 months. After 6 months, I will call the RE.
1 month... nothing
2 months.... nothing
3 months... nothing
4 months.... nothing
5 months... nothing
Called the RE's office and made an appointment for IVF consult. We aren't screwing around this time and are all in.