Jealous

Today started off as a great day.  I went to church with my husband and had a wonderful lunch with our pastor and friends.  As I am pulling out of the parking lot, my phone rings and I see it is a call from my friend in San Diego.  Seeing her number on the caller ID is typically a rare thing since we "talk" so much online.  Seeing it on a Sunday, I knew it wasn't going to be good news.  She shared with me that a great man was lost today.  Too suddenly from a heart attack.  A family grieves again for another loss in a long line of losses.  I think that how can one family be put through so much devastation?  My heart pours out for them and I am numb at the possibility that the last time my family whom I consider professional grievers has suffered such a loss.  It's been 8 years since Cooper died and since we were on a steady schedule of loosing someone every 3-4 years, I have had this nagging in my gut that we are over due.  Pretty sad way to think, huh?

I walk inside and try to read the book I am currently on (Brutally Beautiful), but my mine is all on this news, on the Warner family.  John Warner has been a leader and visionary in the quest to bring awareness to preeclampsia.  In 2010, I had the honor of meeting this legend in our group of volunteers and their name is spoken with awe.  "The Warners" are revered for their unwavering focus on the horrors of this disease.  See John and Brenda Warner lost their adult daughter, Shelly, to preeclampsia.  I would consider John to be the "father" of the Promise Walks since his walk in Quad Cities, IA is one of the original walks back we were just the Walk-A-Thons.  In October last year, John and Brenda chaired Saving Grace which is a huge night of fundraising and awareness for the Preeclampsia Foundation.  They let us into their lives a little more that night and I had the pleasure of meeting their other daughter Kim.  It was a highly emotional evening with all thoughts of Shelly and the reason that brought all of us together.  The progress of research and funding that has been made in her honor is indescribable.  Her legacy has been established and she will never be forgotten. Ever.

I tell my husband about the phone call and say, "At least he is with Shelly now."  That small comment that was made under my breath hasn't left me yet.  I am jealous.  Jealous of a father now reunited with his daughter.  There are times with my soul yearns for the day that I will be reunited with Cooper.

Yesterday, I got to love on an 11-month old little boy in the foster system. He was squishy and smiling at me.  No longer are my arms used to holding little ones and just carrying my laptop to my room to type this, I felt that soreness in my arms.  I thought I would get my fix, but like a junkie my arms just now feel empty again.  I want that soreness to be from holding my own child and I wonder if that day will ever come.  Today doubt crept in.  I have been so positive lately.  Loosing the weight I have gained from all the meds from the past 6 months.  Working on a goal that I have so firmly in my sights.  Hope can be a very dangerous thing I have learned and it can gut you.  I just hope that vision I have in my dreams doesn't destroy me.  I see my husband with other people's children and I can see what an amazing father he would be. We have joked in the past about how our child wouldn't learn to walk until they were 3 years old because they would never be put down.  I can totally see a battle too on who would get to cuddle and love such a blessing.  Some days I think that I want to make my husband a father more than anything.

I read a heartbreaking and bonding book about a month ago and highlighted so many sections.  From the first chapter, I knew this book was going to speak to my heart and tear at my soul. Below are some quotes from "Arsen" by Mia Asher.

Even when the horizon seems to be bleak and full of pain, we must learn to fight and preserver because the rewards of those tears of struggle mean that you get to live your life once more.

Miracles are the consequences of daring to believe.

Well I am scared to believe, scared to hope and jealous of reunions.

I leave you with Shelly's Legacy as told by the late John Warner.