Finding Balance

I have had the pleasure of meeting some pretty incredible women through the Preeclampsia Foundation. This powerful woman I met through work.  She actually used to be a customer, an assistant manager at a big corporate powerhouse.  About a year ago, she left her position for a new company.  Man do I miss her!

In that time since leaving, she has started her own blog to chronicle her journey to betterment - Zen Wednesday.  Finding the balance between life and work and everything in between.  I treasure getting her newest installments delivered to my inbox every Wednesday.  They have prompted many discussions with people in several different circles of my life.  I talk about her blog all the time!

In a world bogged down with negativity and stress, her Friday posts "Favorite Fridays" have brought a smile to my face and make me pause to reflect.  Like in the book, "Slammed" by Colleen Hoover, it reminds me of the sweet and suck of the day.  I have even started the sweet and suck with one of my friends.  When the day seems to have run off the rails, I will say, "What is your sweet for the day?  Find something positive!"

So what is your sweet today?  What is your suck?  Go check out a new blog and reflect.

What was I thinking?

It is one of those nights where I am so tired that I can't function.  Of course I decided it was time to write a blog!  Hope this makes an inkling of sense.

Today I am 2 days past embryo transfer (2dp5dt).  Yep, we retrieved 12 eggs last Wednesday and transferred two embryos on Monday (pic below). We changed up the protocol this cycle to Lupron based and it worked amazingly.  The goal initially was to overstimulate, freeze and transfer later.  But I was right on the money so we transferred this cycle.  Which in my mind I had that we wouldn't transfer until January or February, so this is a plus.  The lab also called me today and told me of the 8 embryos that were left, they were able to freeze 5.

Technically, I am pregnant until proven otherwise.  Technically, I am freaking the fuck out.  I know it's just the lack of sleep (woke up at 4:45 this morning for no good reason) that is causing this panic attack.  You know when you get told not to do something and you do it anyway?  Yep, stress free and calm environment self destructed.  I was lying in bed, begging myself to go to sleep.  Watching a lame show on netflix. Nope.  Putting lavender eye mask on with my kick ass spa music pandora station (See Peter Kater).  Nope.  Mind is whirling away.  So I decided to put my thoughts out there. Maybe this will work!

Further good news is that I am off all of next week, so I just need to make it through two more days and too many projects at work that need to ship before then. Bad news, I have a ton of projects due by the end of the week that are dragging and I am going to have to raise hell tomorrow to get them done.  Printing?  We don't need no stinking printing!

I go in Wednesday next week for my first beta.  Then get to drive to my aunt's for Thanksgiving where I have to figure out how to fake that I am not drinking.  What are your suggestions???  It makes me nervous.  I am also nervous that they will call me with the first beta results on Wednesday and I will either be glowing and family will figure it out. Or I will be a basket case and family will figure it out.  TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

Let's see what else am I freaking out about?  The fact that all these hormones have given me the worst hot flashes.  The anxiety has raised my BP.  Working from home. The dessert auction this week at the Elks Lodge.  Hiding that I am not supposed to be lifting more than 5 lbs for the next two weeks.  Hiding that I've got creams, pills and patches that will have to travel with me next week.  Sick and tired of lying to people too!

I just need someone to tell me to chill out and it will all be fine.  That trying to get pregnant wasn't a huge mistake that will end like it did before.  That we will finally have something positive to look forward to in December.  That printing isn't the end of the world.  That. Everything. Will. Be. FINE!  I'm not asking too much, am I?

It's just ink on paper

Since I have decided that I need to vent a little more on my blog, I have been over hauling it and looking back on old posts to see where my life was back then.  Funny that some problem from 4 years ago that seemed like it was the end of the world...I couldn't even tell you which customer I referred to as Satan's Retarded Stepsister let alone what project they hated.  Hmm....  It is all just ink on paper and not the end of the world.  Don't take work so seriously and enjoy life!  You would think that I have has this lesson pounded into my head enough, but apparently I need a reminder.  And often!

It is interesting looking back.  I don't know if I will ever really make my blog public knowledge.  Then again some day I might want to be like Boo-ya Bitches to the people I know in real life.  If you actually know me in real life and I shared my blog with you, feel honored.  You are in the circle of trust.  My circle of trust is very small.  Bless my mom's heart, but she is nosey.  Nosey!  I don't want her in all my business making more ill-placed comments that I have to brush off.  I also don't want to end up on her Sunday School's prayer list aka gossip circle.  I could probably use the extra prayers, but don't want to be whispered about.  The emotional ups and downs, the strain on our marriage, the amount of money we are spending and what we are spending it on, the pure heartfelt honesty that I pour out here is not for the entire town to know.  One of the disadvantages of living in a small town of only 5,000.  So aside from you, there are 7 people in my life that know what we are going through right now.  That's probably why I need to start blogging again!

A Different Road

My 10 year high school reunion is in planning stages. They set up a Facebook group and someone through out the question: "Did you think you would be were you're at 10 years ago?"

Um... no not at all.

Ten years ago, I was going to be an industrial engineer. I was in love with an amazing man I knew one day I would marry and my dad would be by my side on that day. (That kinda sounds wrong - I did marry that amazing man, but my dad wasn't there) We were going to have 3 kids by the time I was 30 and be done with baby making.

Yeah, I had a dream alright. And the road continues to change. But I'm thankful for those changes, because it has made me a different person.

What else in going on in Nicole world?
-A fellow baby loss momma and I started writing a book. It feels good to be working on this project, but it is going to take time. Because I keep getting sidetracked with....
-Preeclampsia Promise Walk. It's is right around the corner and alot of work is underway. Building a group of people that want to make in impact on this disease and what it does to families. Hopefully we will get a area chapter up and rolling.
-Speaking of Preeclampsia and the havoc it causes... Get your thyroid testing PE survivors. After urging and proding from Caryn, I started the process. I'm seeing an internest and not an endo. Why you ask? Because I also have PCOS and I want someone that is going to look at my big picture and not just one little part of the problem. First appointment, she felt a nodule on my thyroid and sent me for an ultrasound. Then I was suppose to get all my bloodwork done on day 19 of my cycle. Since my cycles have a mind of their own and it is very twisted, that hasn't happened. Two weeks after my initial visit, I had the labs drawn anyway. Another 2 weeks for them to come back. They called on Friday and want me to come in to review them. Which will be next Friday. My first appt was on Jan 26 mind you this is not a fast process.

I'm just that boring!

I realized I haven't posted much at all lately. Twice in one day, oh my! Kinda have a lot on my mind.

Now that we aren't going through fertility treatments, there doesn't seem to be that much going on in my life. I get up, go to work, roll my eyes at my boss and say a few choice words after I hang up the phone, come home, read a little, go to bed and start all over. There are no crazy dr appointments or shots or nerves on edge.

My dear friend and former coworker recently told me she was pregnant. We relate on a different level because she suffered 7 years of fertility treatments. And when her adoption fell through this spring, I felt her pain of losing that child and dream. I'd like to think I was the most excited person for her news. I know she is terrified still of the what ifs. But if there is anyone I know deserves it, it's her.

Last week we had this long chat via IM. We talked about how stressful the job is and how we are both alike with our Type A personalities that take ownership and pride in our work. She told me how she thinks that getting layed off and what helped her relax enough to get pregnant. She asks me flat out when I'm going to quit my job. It's a realization that I have accepted to myself some time ago. That I won't get pregnant working where I'm at and that I won't have a successful pregnancy either.

I'm kinda at a crossroads. I love what I do and who I work for. My boss has become a true mentor and in someways a stand in dad. At what price do I stay there? To get out of debt and have a bigger home? What's the point of having all that if I don't have a family to share it with? Is having a family worth keeping this job? These are things I haven't even discussed with my husband. But I feel them buried deep down inside. In the end, what if I leave my job and I still end up childless?

I'm very tired of being the one that doesn't fit in. Over the summer, we have been hanging out with a different group of friends. I really enjoy this group. There aren't any kids running around or even being discussed, we are married or in a committed relationship, all have jobs and enjoy relaxing. We are all pretty much at the same stage in life. Still I feel I don't fit. I yearn for something else. I've had something else but it was taken from me.

On Easter Sunday, we visited our friends church and went with them to Sunday School. I really enjoyed the topic of the class, but again felt out of place. It was a class of young marrieds, most with families except for the couple most recently married. As we go around the room, everyone shares their jobs and brags on their kids. Then it's our turn. I stare at my hands, not really sure what to say. T feels my hesitation and grabs my hand. He introduces us to the class without a mention of Cooper, but he squeezes my hand in acknowledgement of the pain just underneath.

Need to Brag

Today we went live on Satan's retarded stepsister's project. (Yes, that is the nickname she has acquired). And we actually started getting orders today. How many orders were there for her design? Zero. Zilch. Nada. None. How many orders were there for our design? 5. And she threw an ever loving fit when we proposed it to her. Then 30 min later wanted all of it. Go Figure. I think she has multiple personalities. Too bad I won't get to see her face when we tell her our success and her failure. LIKE WE TOLD HER IN THE FIRST PLACE. But she know printing far better than we do. Loser!

And then my sweetheart customer helped me pull one over on D. I can't used their first initials because all of my customer's start with an S. Sooooo... there is Satan's retarded stepsister (SRS) and my sweetheart (pea- because we are two peas in a pod). Pea got D so good today. Glad I wasn't within striking distance. We told him this problem exploded and upper management was not happy. Of course Pea and I had solved the problem with no worries. It was only a $27,000 error that we avoided. I should keep track of how many errors I talk the customer into keeping. Hmm.....

Friday - my next project goes live. I have training calls every day this week. Including a webinar at 8:00 am tomorrow. Better get to bed so I can wake up early and get to work before it starts. The fun and games are about to really begin when this account goes live. Lots and lots to work on.

One last thing. What is this thing growing in my garden? It is furry like a kiwi. But not. And no, it isn't a ki-cumber.

Today was a little better

My crazy abusive customer only emailed me twice and it wasn't directed at me. What a difference it makes when she leaves me alone. I did have a little drama with one of my plants not getting my orders done in time. They were being pig headed, so I pulled half of the orders and gave them to another plant. I used my superior problem solving skills and worked it out instead of escalating to upper management.

I meet with Dr. L tomorrow am. I really hope it goes better and we have some improvement. Unfortunately, my job isn't going to get any less stressful and I kinda need a pay check. Any other ideas for stress release that don't involve spending lots of money on massages? It's entirely too hot to walk when I get home from work (It's 9:00pm and heat index is 93). So share your ideas? What do you do to relieve stress?

My happy note for the rest of the week: California Casual! Shorts and flip flops to work. Thank Heaven because it is miserable hot here.