I'm ready

It's been 2 years, 8 months, 4 weeks and 2 days since Cooper died. His room is the same it was 2 years, 8 months, 4 weeks and 3 days ago. I'm ready to pack it up. It's time and it's a very hard thing to do. Letting go...

One or the other

I told T today that if I wasn't pregnant by Christmas, he was getting me a new puppy. Our dogs are evenly spaced out, like our children would be. (6, 4 and 2) It is time...

Yet another bad day

Had my base line sono today. The cyst went from 26 to 18. Still to big so another month of BC. And he thinks my left ovary is messed up with scar tissue because he can barely see it.

I'm tired of today. Going to bedl

I don't have any white pants

But I do have white panties and I wore them today. That did the trick.

Baseline sono is scheduled for Friday at 8:15 am. It will either be a good day or I will call in sick to work.

I plan on going to my first grief group meeting tomorrow night. And I called the EAP today to get some one-on-one help. My whole life is crazy right now. What does DH ask me today, "How is grief group going to help your focus problem?" Well right now I am focused on 101 dr appointments to get pregnant, so shove that up your ass.

Damn hormones...

Come on Bitch, show your ugly face!

I double dog dare you! I am tired of carring a tampon in my pocket waiting for you to knock on my door.

Last day of birth control was Friday. Still no period. My acupuncture dr told me to call her when I start. Which I SHOULD HAVE ALREADY.

ok. it's out of my system.

Dreamer

T and I had a serious heart to heart tonight and I lost it. It all started with money being tight. We need money for IF treatments, we need money to fix my tooth that broke today, we need money to live. Money really is the root of all evil. People are losing their jobs at my work, so I'm worried about how long that will last. We need to save money to compensate for (if I do get pregnant) lengthy bedrest.

I have a side business that I have neglected for a year. It started when my star director was killed in a tragic accident almost exactly a year ago. I got overwhelmed with taking on her team and dealing with her grieving husband. I ended up turning my back on it. I've looked at it from time to time with great intentions of diving back in head first and putting balls to the wall. Yet every time I take a step forward I freeze with fear. What if Suzie thinks I'm stalking her? What is Johnnie thinks I conning him into something bad? What if Jane sees the wonder in it and then something bad happens to our friendship? OY VEY... the what if's stop me where I stand. They freeze me to the core and I can't breathe.

So this current need for money brought to fact that I have been neglecting my side business. T wants me to do something, anything productive. These days I seem to have a hard time keeping the laundry done and put away. Forget going to the gym, forget making phone calls, forget meeting with people. Things have backslid so far, they aren't even on the plate anymore. T sees a problem and I understand where he comes from. At work, you don't mess with me. I am a take charge, multi-tasking Super Man. At home, I want to escape from reality. Maybe that's it all together. My reality doesn't match my dreams. I don't want to face my problems, I want to run away from them.

I don't want to be a dreamer, I want to be a doer. How do I get the motivation to become the doer that I dream of being?