Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Emotional Roller Coaster of TTC

Hormones make me crazy.  My husband describes it like my body is not used to normal hormone levels, so when they get to normal levels I act like an emotional girl.  I have the emotions of a man and my boss loves it.  So when you amp up my hormones to mega levels I turn into a demon possessed bru-ha-ha.  I am primed and ready to go off at a moments notice.

Oh, in the middle of all this emotionally charged treatment we had to put our beloved lab down on 7/25.  I cried and cried and cried.  And then cried some more.

I am trying to look at something positive and look towards the future.  We are going to get pregnant.  My RE is confident and I am holding him to it.  Somewhere in here I make the rookie mistake of dreaming again.  What the heck was I thinking?  I am day dreaming about guest lists to baby showers, looking up when my due date would be, how we are going to tell our family, checking out Craigslist for twin stuff (you know just in case).  Yep, I am in deep.  Way too deep.

So when I have the first appointment when the RE says cancel, I lost it.  Meltdown. Hysterics.  Lost. IT.  My husband's office isn't very far from the RE's office so I go over there to get a hug.  Out in the parking lot I am crying so hard I can't catch my breath.  He just holds me until I calm down and tells me to take off the rest of the day and go home. Gladly!  My hysterics were so bad that I had to pull over twice on the way home to collect myself enough to drive.  All I can think of is this is it.  It will never happen. My body sucks.  My husband might as well leave me know and save us all the extra heartache of dragging it out.  He should find someone that can give him what he wants.  Give him a child without all the drama.

I warned you, I lost it.  Believe me know?

Finally I get home and I am exhausted.  I  lay down in bed and pull my head out of my ass.  So by Wednesday when I go back to the RE, I am mentally prepared for bad news.  I expect it and it doesn't rock my world.  Yeah, an IUI COULD work, but we are talking about me.  I have 5 IUI's under my belt and none have worked.

There is something about the volume of drugs in my system that makes this ovulating process painful as FUCK.  Excuse me.  I spent the entire weekend after curled in a ball on my couch hugging a heating pad and popping hydrocodone.  Another full week of feeling that the worst cramps in my life.  And talk about feeling bloated.  Ug, I just feel gross. Fat and gross.  Just don't talk to me.

Finally... Finally the cramps stop and I am starting to feel a little human again. The countdown has begun to when I can take the home pregnancy test...  but we don't get that far.

Nope, I started 5 days before I am supposed to take the pregnancy test and 10 days post IUI.

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